Elchayl Chayit
hospasLogliner
When a rebellious bigoted Hells Angel member is shot by a Notorius gang member, his Irish, Jewish great grandmother takes his spirit back to her life in nineteenth century Ireland to see the effects of ignorance and to change his attitudes while his sister and the sister of the boy who shot him investigate what led to the incident.
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As earlier comments suggest, this logline is problematic. But breaking it down helps:
1. (When a rebellious bigoted Hells Angel member is shot by a Notorius gang member,) his Irish, Jewish great grandmother takes his spirit back to her life in nineteenth century Ireland to see the effects of ignorance and to change his attitudes (while)
2. his sister and the sister of the boy who shot him investigate what led to the incident
First problem: We have two stories rolled into one logline. Pick one.
Second problem: The first story is not cinematic. “to see the effects of ignorance” is way to broad for a screen story.
I hope this helps!
Oh, and yes, you will need to edit. :O)
I meant “great suggestion” (Richiev’s comment)
Try to read this logline aloud while not not reading it. Memorize it. Then ask your friend to listen to your logline. Imagine you have only one shot. And then ask him if he can tell you back whats the story about.
I hope you see my point. Because you will be exactly in the same situation when you will logline this to possible producer.
So, in order to make it possible to memorize for your friend, and for yourself, focus only on the major events of the story.
If I understand it well, the main goal of your movie is inner journey of your protag. He is an ass, so his grandmother (Italian, Chinese, doesn’t matter) decides to punish him. If he wants to go back, he must improve his attitude. Focus on that.
Get suggestion.
This logline is too long. I would stick to the main storyline and skip the side story.
Also, You don’t need to say ‘Rebellious’ Hell’s Angel, since Hell’s Angels are by nature Rebellious.
“When a bigoted Hell’s Angel is shot, his spirit is transported back in time by his great grandmother where he must learn tolerance if he’s to return to the present.”
Good luck with this!
Sorry can’t edit this. It should be the ghost of his Irish Jewish great grandmother takes his spirit back