Mentor
Posted: 2015-04-29T00:19:27+10:00 In:

When mysterious deaths in a new subway rail yard seem connected to an ancient curse, a stiff subsurface engineer must team up with a visionary astro-archeologist to secure the tunnel before the subway line opening.

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    6 Reviews

    1. Singularity

      What is the connection to “…a visionary astro-archeologist…”? Is there such a thing as an archeologist in space or is this a made up science? I ask because it is a bit confusing.

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    2. Singularity

      Better, but…

      I’m guessing that the digging of the subway disturbs some sacred site. That’s the cause-and-effect relationship between the subway digging and the curse. If that is the case, I suggest the causal link be made clearer. If I’m guessing wrong then what is the cause-and-effect relationship between the digging and the curse? What specifically invokes the curse?

      I’m not asking you to give away the story, how it ends. I’m only asking what, specifically, creates the story, the plot.

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    3. Mentor

      Is the new version any better?

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    4. Mentor

      It’s crazy like everytime I think I wrote a killer logline and then -Thanks To Everybody- I can see the many errors in it 🙂

      I’ll rewrite this one because it was really not clear at all.

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    5. Singularity

      I read constant as a description of his operations local as he constantly works underground, not sure if this was the intention or not though.

      Other wise the mention of the astro-archaeologist ally, aside from having a confusing description, seams redundant as it is not directly related to the plot. He will still want to stop the killing and find a way to do so with or with out the astro-archaeologist.

      The inciting incident lacks certainty in its devise because of the word “?seams?”. Better to establish earlier on a direct correlation between a concrete event that happens to the MC rather than raise a possibility or assumption.

      I.e:
      After a series of rituals murderers are discovered in a new subway line a subsurface engineer must catch the killer before the tunnel is complete.”

      Lastly I am not sure why the engineer must stop the killings and not the police.

      Hope this helps.

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    6. Singularity

      If they don’t stop the killings, is the subway line going to open anyway? If so, the fate of the subway is not contingent for the purpose of the logline. IOW: why must they stop the killings before the subway line opens?

      And why is the subsurface engineer described as “constant”? Is it a character flaw or strength? If it’s a character strength, then is there a character flaw that jeopardizes the mission?

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