The Cyclone Engine
When a starving empire?s water mines run dry, two slave girls must revive a mythical power that could save the world.
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Sure – yes the script came first 🙂
It’s just interesting to see how rearranging the elements of the logline/sentence can describe such a different story!
Did you write the script first or the logline ?? I haven’t read the script so Im only going off the logline provided.
Thanks for the suggestion Tor Dollhouse but I’m not really sure what you’re getting at – your logline may have a better sentence structure (?) but it’s actually describing quite a different script to the one I’ve written…
Thanks for the feedback everyone, I made a couple of alterations based on your suggestions before submitting to the competition thingy 🙂
I agree with Tor. The subject of the sentence is wrong.
The term “water mine” makes me see people deep underground with pick axes chopping ice out of the ground. It’s just such an odd image that I’d love to see that on the big screen.
Indeed. What is the defining characteristic that qualifies the slaves for the job? What makes them so special, so unique that it’s up to them — and not somebody else?
I like this logline. Who is the main character? Is it necessary to have two characters revive the mythical power? What qualities do they have that make them the only ones who can save the world?
“Forced into slavery, two (occupation)** are exiled into reviving a mythical power before a starving Empire?s water runs dry.”
I agree with Tim here. ‘Could’ dilutes the urgency. It sounds good!
I think ‘could’ might be a weak link, – two slave girls must revive a mythical power and save the world?
I like it. I see it’s science fiction and it’s the end game for a distopian world but do the girls want to save the Empire or the world, the world being what…is there another free world outside of the empire that the empire is destroying, sucking dry? Is that that the one the girls want to save? I am kinda guessing it is, but feel like i need to know that to know what I am in for.