Turning against the mafia
When a submissive guy, working for the mafia, is caught by the police he must help them to put the mafia behind bars to get the girl he really wants.
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Ultimately, he can’t be trying to take down the mafia boss motivated exclusively by selfish love — what’s in it for him. He should be trying to rescue the girl he loves from the mafia boss (the boss has forced her to be his moll) She becomes the stakes character.
Ultimately, he can’t be trying to take down the mafia boss motivated exclusively by selfish love — what’s in it for him. He should be trying to rescue the girl he loves from the mafia boss (the boss has forced her to be his moll) She becomes the stakes character.
Getting a girl seams like a far lesser goal than SAVING HIS LIFE. I think best to focus on the bigger stakes at hand rather than the smaller ones.
As previously mentioned in other comments this goal appears problematic. I think the reason is because in the currant draft of the logline the girl goal is unrelated to the inciting incident. This makes the girl goal a (as I like to call it) “tacked on” goal that is more of a writing convenience than a plot requirement.
If he is a lowly criminal that aids the police the mafia will do away with him in a heart beat providing they find out. The police will put him in jail if he fails to deliver mission critical information to put the big bad guy behind bars. In jail the mafia will do away with him in a heart beat and they will definitely find out in this instance. This means his only option to stay alive is to put the bad guy or mafia boss behind bars.
Also better to specify how he will help the police because then we can clearly imagine what kind of action he will take during act 2.
Hope this helps.
Getting a girl seams like a far lesser goal than SAVING HIS LIFE. I think best to focus on the bigger stakes at hand rather than the smaller ones.
As previously mentioned in other comments this goal appears problematic. I think the reason is because in the currant draft of the logline the girl goal is unrelated to the inciting incident. This makes the girl goal a (as I like to call it) “tacked on” goal that is more of a writing convenience than a plot requirement.
If he is a lowly criminal that aids the police the mafia will do away with him in a heart beat providing they find out. The police will put him in jail if he fails to deliver mission critical information to put the big bad guy behind bars. In jail the mafia will do away with him in a heart beat and they will definitely find out in this instance. This means his only option to stay alive is to put the bad guy or mafia boss behind bars.
Also better to specify how he will help the police because then we can clearly imagine what kind of action he will take during act 2.
Hope this helps.
The whole mafia?! That’s a pretty crazy goal! Maybe pull back on this a bit and just have him need to take down a specific person in the mob, presumably a big boss.
Who’s this girl he wants and why can’t he have her? Perhaps she’s an abused daughter of the mafia boss our hero has to bring down?
You may also want to reword it a bit. Maybe something like this:
“After a submissive mafioso is caught by the police, he must help them to put his boss behind bars to get the girl he really wants.”
As for the title, how about just “Flipped.”
Best of luck!
The whole mafia?! That’s a pretty crazy goal! Maybe pull back on this a bit and just have him need to take down a specific person in the mob, presumably a big boss.
Who’s this girl he wants and why can’t he have her? Perhaps she’s an abused daughter of the mafia boss our hero has to bring down?
You may also want to reword it a bit. Maybe something like this:
“After a submissive mafioso is caught by the police, he must help them to put his boss behind bars to get the girl he really wants.”
As for the title, how about just “Flipped.”
Best of luck!
Hi, good logline, I only have one question about it.
Is his goal to get “the girl he really wants” or is his goal to not be a submissive guy any more?
Maybe to not work for the mafia anymore/to be free?
If the goal isn’t to get the girl I think you could skip that part in the logline or write it different somehow, because right now it is a bit confusing to throw in a girl as a positive stake in the end of the logline when we don’t understand why he gets her by putting the maffia behind bars.
Good luck!
Hi, good logline, I only have one question about it.
Is his goal to get “the girl he really wants” or is his goal to not be a submissive guy any more?
Maybe to not work for the mafia anymore/to be free?
If the goal isn’t to get the girl I think you could skip that part in the logline or write it different somehow, because right now it is a bit confusing to throw in a girl as a positive stake in the end of the logline when we don’t understand why he gets her by putting the maffia behind bars.
Good luck!
Saying he must put ‘the mafia’ behind bars is vague. You should have a specific person, probably a mob boss that he must take down. If they have a personal connection, that would be even better.
Saying he must put ‘the mafia’ behind bars is vague. You should have a specific person, probably a mob boss that he must take down. If they have a personal connection, that would be even better.