Strife
kbfilmworksSamurai
When a suitcase full of 'dirty money' falls from a balcony along with a Japanese businessman, a penniless young Londoner steals the case, a Yakuza enforcer is sent to track him down and an epic battle begins on the streets of East London.
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I think storyutbildningen’s version of the logline is tighter.
“When a penniless London raver (?) gets his hands on a suitcase full of money, he must escape the Yakuza agent sent to retrieve it.”
Which reveals to us a gap in the logline – WHY? Why must he escape? Why not just give it back? Why should I feel sorry for him, just because he’s poor, if his life is in danger? Perhaps he’s not just penniless – the threat of a Yakuza enacted death needs to pale in comparison to the fate he will suffer WITHOUT the money.
kbfilmworks,
In view of your many iterations of the concept, what’s the itch you’re trying to scratch?
What is the one essential aspect of the concept that hooks–and keeps hooking — your interest, that you are trying to distill and bottle in the logline?
While I like the idea and setting you need to streamline your logline here. There are simply to many words. The essence, all you need, is “when an event happens, the Main Character must do X”.
“When a penniless young Londorer get’s his hands on a suitcase full of money, he must flee the suitcase owners; the Yakuza.”
If I where you, I would problably try to add an “or else” scenario. And how will the “battle” in east London happen? Will he try to escape, fight them? What must the character do?
Hope that helps =)
Gustaf/Storyutbildningen