Penpusher
Posted: 2015-06-15T20:08:36+10:00 In:

When a tafe teacher learns of a new government order he is suspicious, but when his girlfriend is kidnapped by aliens he must rescue and reverse the effects.

Retna 9000

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    4 Reviews

    1. why is it important that is a tafe teacher ? and what is he suspicious about, reverse the effects, which effects ?… is the kidnapping by aliens suppose to be a reveal or is it in the inciting incident ?

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    2. Singularity

      You begin the logline with one idea, say the word ‘but’ then go a different direction and also give us what should be the beginning of the logline.
      —–
      Your logline: When a tafe teacher learns of a new government order he is suspicious, —but— when his girlfriend is kidnapped by aliens he must rescue and reverse the effects.
      —–

      Instead your logline should begin with: when his girlfriend is kidnapped by aliens…

      Hope that helps, good luck with this.

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    3. Is there something unique about the “effects?” If so, that could be the hook that draws someone into reading this…I agree with Richiev, the first sentence is only useful in that it gives a picture of the protagonist’s job…. Is it important that he is a tafe teacher – sorry, I don’t even know what that is….so, that brings it’s own confusion.

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    4. Penpusher

      Thanks for the review.
      ok Tafe teacher ties into the relationship between the government privatising the school.
      No the inciting incident is when the M C meets one of the previous student film crews.
      Reverse the effects is not accurate he actually has to rescue his girlfriend who has been taken hostage for the purpose of cloning humans.

      I will post again tomoz.
      Cheers.

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