Penpusher
Posted: 2015-06-17T19:53:11+10:00 In:

When a woman is imprisoned by a crazed vivisectionist, she must win the trust of the hybrids in order to escape and save her friends.

Puppy Farm

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    5 Reviews

    1. Penpusher

      A great improvement on the original, thank you. Not really the plot I had in mind, but lots of possibilities. I may have to give you a credit…

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    2. Penpusher

      Are the hybrids alive? Are the work of the vivisectionist?

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    3. Singularity

      Don’t take the 25 word rule of thumb as a must because while less words are better, a word count is not essential. This is especially true if you are using the logline to help structure a plot instead of pitch an idea.

      FFF is right “…a woman…” is too generic a description for a logline what is her unique character flaw that will make it harder for her to achieve her goal? Use one or two words to describe this.

      Secondly the premise requires a leap of logic from the reader in order to make sense. Best to specify that this surgeon has many surgically altered animals or animal/human hybrids trapped with the woman. These are basically going to be the allies if they are essential to the plot mention them if not don’t.

      How about:
      After being trapped with a group of animal and human hybrids by a crazy vivisectionist an obsessive compulsive accountant must gain the other inmates trust in order to escape and save their lives.

      Hope this helps.

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    4. Penpusher

      In 25 words?

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    5. Mentor

      Hello, you can add an adjective to describe the main character.
      Then it would help to explain clearly what/who are the hybrids/her friends.
      The logic that links the trust of the hybrids and the main character’s escape is not very strong.
      Finally, according tho this logline, I expect a ‘prison movie’ where the main character must deal with strange creatures to escape: I found it interesting but a maybe a little ‘poor’- think about the richness of “the island of dr. moreau” ‘s plot.
      You can add some stakes like “before she’s transformed into some kind of creature”

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