Summer In The Shade
JaxPenpusher
When her 40 year marriage abruptly ends, a professional Nurse impulsively accepts an invitation to caretake a 400 year old cottage on a small Greek Island, to discover that between the eccentric locals and her complicated housemate the journey back to self is far from peaceful. #For Meetup
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Pretty good logline, however I don’t understand how the “complicated housemate” fits the idea?
I like your story idea, Jax. Some might say that you should be more specific describing how the eccentric locals and the complicated housemate create obstacles that get in the way of her reaching freedom. But I think you’ve provided enough to pique the curiosity of a reader. But, of course, I could be wrong. I don’t claim to be any sort of logline expert. LOL
I’ve also rewritten your logline. Not necessarily saying it’s any better than yours – simply couldn’t help myself. LOL again.
After her 40-year marriage disintegrates, a retired nurse embraces her newfound freedom by impulsively accepting a job as caretaker of a quaint estate on a small Greek island ? but between the eccentric locals and her complicated housemate, this late bloomer discovers the road to freedom is far from peaceful.
I’ve considered that Lee, but thanks to the movies you’ve mentioned I hope the way has been paved! Much of the comedy would be lost with a younger cast, so it is pivotal.
2nd attempt:
When her 40 year marriage disintegrates a retired Nurse embracing her new freedom impulsively accepts an invitation to caretake an ancient cottage and garden in the Greek Islands – but between the eccentric locals and her complicated housemate this late bloomer discovers the road to freedom is far from peaceful.
As The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel proved, movies with an older cast can do well at the box office – according to IMDB, it cost $10,000,000 and grossed over $46,000,000. But unless your script is good enough to attract the likes of Maggie Smith, Judi Dench and Bill Nighy, make your characters younger if you can. I’m not saying don’t do it; I’m saying do it only if your story wouldn’t work otherwise.
>>journey back to self
What does that mean? What’s the visual of the “self” that will show the audience she’s succeeded?
It seems to me that “journey back to self” is akin to logline mistake #6 in the article, “must discover something” and “come to terms with”. It’s about a subjective need which is internal, out of sight. A logline is about an objective goal, something external, tangible, something that can be visualized.
When her 40 year marriage abruptly ends, (Don’t need the word ‘abruptly’ and might want to use the word ‘divorce’; because the characters would be about 60, the husband could have died… which abruptly ends a marriage)
a professional Nurse (As opposed to an amateur Nurse? You should use another adjective to describe character)
impulsively accepts an invitation to caretake (don’t really need the word impulsively)
a 400 year old cottage on a small Greek Island, (a 400 year old Greek cottage)
to discover (She discovers)
that between the eccentric locals and her complicated housemate the journey back to self is far from peaceful. (As the article says, where are the stakes, so what if she doesn’t make the journey back to self. it didn’t sound as if ‘self’ was that great of a place to begin with)
One a side note, it is hard to tell if the inciting incident is the divorce or accepting the caretaking job. Both are important to the story but having both makes the logline a little long.
Anyway, this sounds like an interesting fish out of water story filled with quirky characters reminiscent of “Under a Tuscan sun’ but with a 60 year old lead character instead of a younger one. Probably the kind of story I would enjoy watching.
Good luck with this!
Very helpful article, I see those logline problems on this site and have been guilty of a few myself 🙂
Thanks for the link!
Thanks for the link. It’s an excellent article, well worth reading.
Read this from Script magazine:
Logline Mistake #6:
A character must discover? something about herself or come to terms with? herself.
‘Over the course of a long hike together, two siblings must come to terms with their best friend?s death.’
Or else?what? If the siblings don?t come to terms with their best friend?s death, they?ll finish the hike and go home. No big deal. Certainly not worth making an entire movie about it.
Remember, EVERY script is about coming to terms with some part of yourself?but that?s just the internal conflict. The logline, however, should primarily describe what the film LOOKS like?that is, the external, visible conflict.
Instead, what if the siblings disagree about which one of them caused the death? And what if it?s not just their best friend?it?s their dad? Their argument escalates during the hike, and eventually they?re so upset with each other that they each take a different route up a mountain. But then both get stranded on the mountainside during a blizzard. Now, if they can?t come to an agreement over their father?s death and refuse to help each other escape the wilderness?they?ll both be stranded out here and die. THAT is the beginning of a far superior logline, where the interior and exterior goals are inextricably intertwined.
Follow this link if you want to read the whole article:
http://www.scriptmag.com/features/7-crucial-logline-mistakes-fix