World Peace and a Pony
When her bandmates get implicated in a bad drug deal, a geek must gather ecstasy from seagull corpses to repay the debt.
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Without an explanation most readers won’t understand the relation to seagulls. In this case I think better to describe her need i.e her goal than the specific way in which the MC will achieve it.
Also a “…geeky raver…” seems like an oxymoron to the average reader. The MC may have several interesting layers with contradicting characteristics but for the sake of simplicity = sellabilty better to describe the MC succinctly and clearly.
Lastly if all she has to do is collect pills from dead birds on the street the obstacles for this are not immediately evident and seemingly quick to achieve. This means that the main action she will pursue appears to have little obstacles and doesn’t sound like it can fill all of act 2.
Can you find a way to give her a greater challenge in order to achieve her goal? Also give her a bigger goal tan just pay back the debt.
My 2 cents:
After her bandmates get mixed up in a bad drug deal, a geeky guitar player must find a way to make ecstasy pills in order to repay the debt and save their lives.
Without an explanation most readers won’t understand the relation to seagulls. In this case I think better to describe her need i.e her goal than the specific way in which the MC will achieve it.
Also a “…geeky raver…” seems like an oxymoron to the average reader. The MC may have several interesting layers with contradicting characteristics but for the sake of simplicity = sellabilty better to describe the MC succinctly and clearly.
Lastly if all she has to do is collect pills from dead birds on the street the obstacles for this are not immediately evident and seemingly quick to achieve. This means that the main action she will pursue appears to have little obstacles and doesn’t sound like it can fill all of act 2.
Can you find a way to give her a greater challenge in order to achieve her goal? Also give her a bigger goal tan just pay back the debt.
My 2 cents:
After her bandmates get mixed up in a bad drug deal, a geeky guitar player must find a way to make ecstasy pills in order to repay the debt and save their lives.
New version:
When her bandmates [XXget mixed up in a badXX] drug deal (Goes bad), a geeky raver (Must) find a way to extract ecstasy from seagull corpses to repay the debt. (or this bad thing will happen)
hope that helped
New version:
When her bandmates [XXget mixed up in a badXX] drug deal (Goes bad), a geeky raver (Must) find a way to extract ecstasy from seagull corpses to repay the debt. (or this bad thing will happen)
hope that helped
Thanks for the clarification. That certainly has comedic possibilities, an unconventional solution to a not so unconventional problem. I can see why you wanted to make it the hook in the logline, but the problem is it’s a hook I fear most readers of the logline won’t get, one that will raise more questions than interest. Alas.
What’s at stake? That is, what threat will there be to the raver and her bandmates face if the debt isn’t repayed? And is there a ticking clock, a deadline, by which the debt has to be repaid — or else ?
Thanks for the clarification. That certainly has comedic possibilities, an unconventional solution to a not so unconventional problem. I can see why you wanted to make it the hook in the logline, but the problem is it’s a hook I fear most readers of the logline won’t get, one that will raise more questions than interest. Alas.
What’s at stake? That is, what threat will there be to the raver and her bandmates face if the debt isn’t repayed? And is there a ticking clock, a deadline, by which the debt has to be repaid — or else ?
Yes it’s an oddball comedy, and the seagull caper is that in Kings Cross, a percentage of pills dropped on the ground are eaten by greedy seagulls. If you find a dead seagull, you get a free pill.
New version:
When her bandmates get mixed up in a bad drug deal, a geeky raver finds a way to extract ecstasy from seagull corpses to repay the debt.
Yes it’s an oddball comedy, and the seagull caper is that in Kings Cross, a percentage of pills dropped on the ground are eaten by greedy seagulls. If you find a dead seagull, you get a free pill.
New version:
When her bandmates get mixed up in a bad drug deal, a geeky raver finds a way to extract ecstasy from seagull corpses to repay the debt.
Regarding my last comment above I think the empathy aspect is far less important for a comedy. Please pay attention to it only if it helps increase the comic premise possibly in a fish out of water dynamic.
Regarding my last comment above I think the empathy aspect is far less important for a comedy. Please pay attention to it only if it helps increase the comic premise possibly in a fish out of water dynamic.
I find the logic of the premise confusing.
Did they hide the drugs inside seagulls in hopes they would fly to the correct place but the drugs seeped into the seagulls killing them in the process?
If so is that a critical element of the story that needs to be in the logline? Could it just be described that she needs to retrieve the load of drugs or shipment or loot.
Are her mates being implicated as criminals to the police? Are they under arrest and therefore can’t collect the drugs them selves to pay off the debt making her the only one on the outside that can? How would paying off the debt to the other drug dealer help her help her mates in custody?
Are her mates being implicated as the dealers who screwed over a bigger drug dealer? If so why can’t they collect the drugs them selves to pay off the debt why are they relying on her to do so?
Perhaps a change to the semantics could help clear this up. “Implicated” sounds like a legal term combined with the fact that she has to get the drugs back suggests that they are in trouble with the law but paying back the debt logicaly suggests they are in trouble with the other drug dealer.
Lastly I personally would find it hard to empathize with a drug dealer who collects ecstasy pills with the intention of selling them onto other drug dealers or users. Is there a way to put her into a corner that gives her no choice but to get the drugs and sell them as a lesser of two evils? Or exploit the fact she is an innocent geek that doesn’t know what the pills are.
Hope this helps.
I find the logic of the premise confusing.
Did they hide the drugs inside seagulls in hopes they would fly to the correct place but the drugs seeped into the seagulls killing them in the process?
If so is that a critical element of the story that needs to be in the logline? Could it just be described that she needs to retrieve the load of drugs or shipment or loot.
Are her mates being implicated as criminals to the police? Are they under arrest and therefore can’t collect the drugs them selves to pay off the debt making her the only one on the outside that can? How would paying off the debt to the other drug dealer help her help her mates in custody?
Are her mates being implicated as the dealers who screwed over a bigger drug dealer? If so why can’t they collect the drugs them selves to pay off the debt why are they relying on her to do so?
Perhaps a change to the semantics could help clear this up. “Implicated” sounds like a legal term combined with the fact that she has to get the drugs back suggests that they are in trouble with the law but paying back the debt logicaly suggests they are in trouble with the other drug dealer.
Lastly I personally would find it hard to empathize with a drug dealer who collects ecstasy pills with the intention of selling them onto other drug dealers or users. Is there a way to put her into a corner that gives her no choice but to get the drugs and sell them as a lesser of two evils? Or exploit the fact she is an innocent geek that doesn’t know what the pills are.
Hope this helps.
dpg makes a good point, this sounds like a screwball comedy but is should still have a believable suspension of disbelief.
dpg makes a good point, this sounds like a screwball comedy but is should still have a believable suspension of disbelief.
Uh, is this technically possible? What’s the genre of this story?
Uh, is this technically possible? What’s the genre of this story?
This is pretty close. how about a ticking clock to up the tension?
—-
“When her drummers drug deal goes bad, a geek has twenty-four hours to gather the ecstasy from seagull corpses; or her band will miss their record company showcase.”
—–
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
This is pretty close. how about a ticking clock to up the tension?
—-
“When her drummers drug deal goes bad, a geek has twenty-four hours to gather the ecstasy from seagull corpses; or her band will miss their record company showcase.”
—–
Hope that helped, good luck with this!