This is what I had written before using the Logline Generator:
EXCHANGE
An outback town’s emergency response team struggles to contain a mysterious outbreak, when an exchange student is struck by meteor fragments carrying a mind-altering pathogen. As federal authorities quarantine the town and ramp up investigations, the school deputy is found burned to death and his two kids become desperate to keep the town’s secrets buried in the ashes.
Ah cool, thanks Richie
The word ‘When’ usually describes an inciting incident.
You have two ‘when’s’ in your logline, indicating two inciting incidents…
This is a logline issue. (Or perhaps a story issue)
(Sorry I copy-pasted this, but you have to watch out with the word ‘when’)