Turk Job
FFFMentor
When his research lab risks beign shut down, a passionate scientist and his nerdy intern build a believable fake AI, but they need to pass a series of tests to be taken seriously while unscrupulous corporations want to take possession of the invention.
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Use of the word “very” is interesting. Is it intentional, as it feels like you are trying to draw the readers attention to that fact. “Builds” should be, “build” in my opinion. In terms of the final line, “they’re under more pressure than they have ever imagined” it doesn’t seem entirely necessary if this pressure is referring to the closure that is mentioned at the start. If this pressure is something different it may be a good idea to specify what this pressure is, or the thought may seem redundant.
Hello, I edited it a little to match your advice. I used “very” because I imagine a one-man lab, isolated, where the scientist is doing experiments about a very speculative and almost purposeless theory with the money of an old benevolent (and maybe a little crazy) mentor who is almost ruined. I don’t know if “very” is appropriate. Is it? I can simply say “when his research lab risks to be shut down”.
Your first clause is awkward and doesn’t make sense. Who or what can threaten to shut down his very independent research lab? Also, what does ‘very independent’ mean? It’s either independent or it’s not. And if their AI is fake, why would they expect to be taken seriously? You also need to show how all these discrete elements tie together. Finally, what does his being candid have to do with anything. Sorry to be so critical. You might have a great story, but I’m not seeing it yet. Have another shot at it.
You can’t use isolated only once to mean both that his lab is not influenced or controlled by others and that it’s in a remote location. Also, say ‘risks being shut down’ instead of ‘risks to be shut down’.
Sorry, of course I meant the word independent and not isolated. My mistake.
Hello, my idea is that the scientist use his science to connect the mind of his intern and his machine so that his intern can speak through the machine. He uses some experimental pieces so that it’s difficult for the examinators to understand if it’s a true AI or a fraude.
Is he doing this to trick his almost ruined benefactor into giving him some more money?
His benefactor will receive money if the lab have an AI. But at the same time unprincipled people want to possess the machine, at any cost. I see troubles coming from everyhwere and each time it seems to go well it ends up in big troubles.
Maybe if unprincipled people want his fake AI machine at any cost, he should just sell it to them and make a killing. That’s what I’d do.
Hello, thanks for you feedback – in fact it’s much more complicated than this. I really feel this story, so I need some feedback to understand if it’s really interesting or not. I see it as a retrofuturistic nerd comedy, in the mood of the brilliant Computer Chess.
The scientist spent many years to build a machine that “can dream” in an independent lab founded by an ex-hippie genius who made a lot of money thanks to an algorhythm sold to a big finance company. But the old ex-hippie genius feels like he need to make amend so he finance a free lab with no “money making” issue- it’s the lab where our hero works on his machine who uses the hippie algorhythm too. But the ex-hippie is now ruined (I decided that he commits a “hippie suicide”, we will discover later that it’s because of a woman and not because of his bankruptcy).
In the meantime our hero is hiring an intern and shows to him the marvelous free lab and his machine, then he discover that the intern faked his cv (but he’s brilliant in his own cheating way).
So, when the lab risks being shut down, and the machine “killed” dismembered and sold in pieces, the intern come up with the plan: they will transform the ‘dreaming’ machine into a machine that is remotely controlled by the intern so that it will seem like the machine is intelligent. Their idea is to have funds to finance the lab but they have to pass tests to gain credibility.
The problem is that they gain too much credibility, so that their lives are in danger, and the machine is stolen – the machine that our hero wants to save at any cost because he thinks that it’s alive.
The self revelation will be that the scientist needs to “get a life”, and quit his obsession for his machine. At the end the machine “dies”.
Hi FFF. I think your story has heaps of potential. Very interesting. I like the ‘he needs to get a real life’ aspect. Could you please explain what the Defense is? The trick will be choosing the best elements of your complex story to include in your logline. I think maybe build it around his need to get a real life. Let’s think on this and talk later.
The concept has drowned under too much detail and back story. You have obviously considered many of the elements and structured the back story extensively which is a good thing. However now is the time to discern what belongs in the back story and what belongs in the story and therefore the script.
The hippie benefactor, his love interest and his algorithm do not belong in this story.
At this early stage I would suggest to distill the concept via the logline using only the very basic components of your story:
MC – Scientist
This is good.
Flaw – Workaholic
This is good.
Ally – Nerdy assistant.
This is good, no need to mention him faking his CV as it has no baring on the plot, story or character.
Inciting incident – The lab being shut down
This is good.
Goal – Save his lab
This is good.
Obstacle – Lack of funds
This is good.
Antagonist – Unprincipled people
This is bad because it is a generic and vague description of several characters. Better to specify the nature of the antagonist in a single character that will pose the greatest problem for the MC.
Stakes – ?
This is bad as it is not clear what is the worst or best that would happen if he succeeds or fails.
Putting all these elements together into a logline will look something like this:
After his lab is shut down a workaholic scientist, on the verge of a huge breakthrough, must sell a fake AI to a greedy CEO of a major corporation to be able to finish his research and change humanity for ever.
I would suggest specifying the breakthrough his is about to make as it is important for us to know how he will change humanity for ever so we know what the stakes are. Cure for all cancer? Longterm solution for world hunger? Warp drive capability? Etc…
Hope this helps.
Thanks for all the feedback, I will try to think about the stakes issue, about the antagonist, and about the m.c. final goal (save the lab is not high enough).
“When a passionate scientist and his nerdy intern build a believable fake AI to save their lab, they need to pass a series of tests while unscrupulous corporations try to lay hand on the invention.”
The obstacles are?the series of test and the tentatives of the companies to lay hand on the AI. The lack of funds is a premise: maybe the reason why the lab must be closed, and/or the reason why they cannot build a real AI.
The antagonists are the companies, better if collusion with the responsable of the tests.
What’s at stake is the lab.
Better if the nerdy intern is a pretty woman so there may be a love affair with the responsable of the tests or some boss of the companies.
The usual?ending of such a plot is the?tests missed, the?companies conned and the scientist having lot of money to build his real AI. This can make?a good comedy.