The Thread
When the gifted young father of a dying child becomes cognitively bound to a stranger with unique abilities, they must race against time to rescue his daughter from the hands of a sinister agency.
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Hi guys,
What about this?
“When his daughter is kidnapped by a sinister scientific agency, a gifted father and the stranger to whom he was mentally coupled unite their forces in order to rescue her”
Good idea. I always enjoy a smart supernatural thriller. Definitely agree with Richiev’s structure tweak. Also if you’re like me, we view most “agencies” as sinister. Maybe elaborate more on it’s wrong doing. Hope this helps. Peace
Thanks… I think it’s still not quite where I want it to be yet, but I do like the way you’ve played with the structure. I think I need to mention that the Father and the “stranger” have both been abducted and experimented on… The link is forced on them. Their abduction and discovering the “who and why” behind it, is the greater over all conflict.
How about this one:
“When his daughter is kidnapped by a sinister agency, a gifted father incorporates the help of a stranger, to whom he shares a psychic link, in order to rescue her.”
(Not sure if “To Whom” is correct, in my attempt)
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1) I used psychic link instead of cognitively bound because, cognitively bound is an odd phrasing and took me a couple reads to understand what you meant.
2) I took out “Dying child” because I was expecting you to say, they must race against time in order to find a cure, then all of a sudden we find ‘being kidnapped’ is the main conflict not the disease. Sticking with one conflict in the logline helps keep the goal clear. (Keep it in the story just not the logline)
3) “Unique abilities” is vague and I took it out because being cognitively bound is a “unique ability,” therefore, saying the stranger has a “unique abilities” is redundant.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!