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Caleb TumanakoLogliner
Posted: May 12, 20152015-05-12T17:54:57+10:00 2015-05-12T17:54:57+10:00In: Public

When three young men apart of the lad sub-culture beat up a civilian and steal his friend's camera, we become a fly-on-the-wall as we see what drives these three young men to do what they do as tensions arise as the night winds down, it leads to an implosion which devastates the community around them.

Youth

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    4 Reviews

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    1. Richiev Singularity
      2015-05-13T11:05:11+10:00Added an answer on May 13, 2015 at 11:05 am

      I like the idea, however you don’t need to go so far into detail about the camera

      You Wrote: When three young men apart of the lad sub-culture beat up a civilian and steal his friend’s camera…

      How about: After stealing a camera, three lad culture hooligans…

      While stealing the camera is important to the logline in order to let us know it will be a found footage film, just tell us they stole it and move on to the essence of the story.

      hope that helps, good luck with this!

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    2. Neer Shelter Singularity
      2015-05-13T13:04:20+10:00Added an answer on May 13, 2015 at 1:04 pm

      As Richieve said best to focus on the story in a logline not the look and feel.

      Who is “?we?” in the logline?

      I get you mean the audience but when reading a logline the writer would do best to place an image in the readers mind by describing characters and actions and let them experience the story. When you mention “?we?” you take the reader out of that mode and make them imagine an audience watching a film instead.

      Point is take the “?we?” out of the logline.

      “…an implosion which devastates the community?” – is a generic vague description of what happens in the story. Better to describe specifically what actually happens so that its clear what type of action will be taken and therefor what type of film this will be.

      Lastly the plot is unclear from the logline.
      Who is the main character? Is this a multi protagonist plot? Are all three lads the main character or only one of them? What is the inciting incident?
      Them steeling the camera is an action they took and would have regardless therefore this is not out of the ordinary and changes little in their lives. What happens that makes them want to do something? What is the main external goal?

      I suggest a study of Anthony Burgess’s A Clock Work Orange. The story healed up in the book, the stage rendition and the film for good reason it had all the above whilst being of the same genre and character type you are writing.

      Hope this helps.

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    3. dpg Singularity
      2015-05-13T22:34:44+10:00Added an answer on May 13, 2015 at 10:34 pm

      I take the fly-on-the-wall via a stolen camera as a framing device for the story. And as a camera buff myself who litters Flickr by the megapixel, I’m intrigued by the dramatic possibilities of that device.

      But not yet hooked.

      What will hook my attention, make me want to read the script, watch the movie is a sense of the plot that unfolds through that framing device. As a result of stealing the camera, what plot unfolds? “Tensions…implosion…” don’t give me a clear cut idea of what that the plot is.

      So you’ve got me interested. Now I suggest you zoom in, focus, give me a snapshot of the plot.

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    4. Adamu95 Logliner
      2015-05-14T00:46:12+10:00Added an answer on May 14, 2015 at 12:46 am

      I see this as ‘A Clockwork’s Orange’ in found footage. I wouldn’t minding seeing that.

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