Mistaken
crytersPenpusher
When told to deliver a package to a vicious mob boss, a desperate young Christian woman steals a car and finds herself menaced by a deranged truck driver pursuing her car across country roads, forcing her to devise a plan that would save her and her little brother held by the mob boss from death
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The structure of this logline is working against it.
Bring the death threat to the start of the logline and specify one antagonist; either the mob boss or the truck driver, other wise there are two loosely connected potential plots in the one logline.
Also, young, is a poor description for a main character as it is too vague and generic to impart any discernible characteristics that describe an inner journey or potential conflict.
Assuming the mob boss is the bad guy how about:
After receiving a ransom demand for her brother by a viscous mob boss a christian woman must travel through hostile gang lands to deliver a package to the gangster’s rival in order to save her brother’s life.
Hope this helps.
Didn’t this start as a car load of cocaine? I really preferred that idea. It stopped her from go for help. Her troubles had to remain secret. It truly isolated the character. I have no problem in liking an unlikable character. Look at “Heathers” the MC is killing her friends, or five seasons of the wire.
Anyhow, Nir is correct. It needs a rewrite to make it read clearer.
I agree with the previous comment.
In other words, you should build a single cause-effect pathway: in your logline the truck driver has no relation with the drug story. You should create a clear connection between the track driver and the drug buisiness.
Why christian? It seems like this adjective has no relation to the story.
As noted, the logline seems to have two antagonists. And if the package is that important to the mob boss, why would he entrust it to her to deliver instead of a trusted, competent minion?