Logliner
Posted: 2013-02-13T00:58:07+10:00 In:

When witch curses her fiance, courageous bride learns the true purpose of the wedding – being sacrificed to pagan god. Now she must find the way how to avoid his wrath. Version 3

Fairytale from Hell

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    4 Reviews

    1. Excellent Logline!

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    2. There are several errors in this logline. First, there seems to be something missing between “when” and “witch.” It should say “when a witch curses her fianc?, a courageous bride learns the true purpose of the wedding — being sacrificed to a pagan god. Now she must find a way to avoid his wrath.” Most of the errors are grammatical. The logline itself is kind of confusing though because I fail to see how a witch cursing a brides fianc? could lead to being sacrificed to a pagan god. Its good for a logline to make you ask questions but the questions have to make you want to read the story and not just confuse you. Keep working at it 🙂

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    3. Singularity

      1) Now that you have clarified how the wedding is important to the story, (In the first logline attempt it wasn’t clear) I would take a look at main character’s goal.

      Is her goal to “Avoid his wrath” (I assume you mean the pagan god)
      -or-
      is her goal to “save her fiance'” (Or her town)
      -or-
      Is her goal to “destroy the pagan god” (and possibly save the world)
      -or-
      is her goal to “destroy the witch that cursed her fiance”

      I only mention this because, “avoiding his wrath” doesn’t seem that compelling a goal for a logline.
      —–

      2) If the ‘big bad’ of the story is the pagan god, I’m not sure you need the witch in the logline. I would just say “When her fiance is cursed,” instead of “when her fiance is cursed by a witch”

      If I am wrong and the main antagonist is the witch, then I would change the end of the logline to reflect that.
      —–

      Hope that helped.

      I like what you have done so far, each logline attempt has made the story more clear. Good luck! love the concept.

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    4. Logliner

      Thank you Richiev, yours and Sharks input for my loglines helps me greatly to understand how it works and how to make it better 🙂

      My never ending struggle (and possible for any screenwriter amateur) is how much to uncover from a story 😉 I’m starting to see how it should be done.

      You’re right that the witch is not perhaps such a crucial. She launches the inciting incident and then becomes the Half-man informing us what’s going on. Perhaps her relationship with the bride – her daughter which she saved by revealing grooms true cannibalistic identity by setting him on loose – will be a B-story. And the goal changes through the story. I’m still trying the best way how to tell the story. First of coarse she wants to save the villagers. But they become such a disgusting selfish beings that I don’t know what my bride will do. The best is to let it go and let them die. But that conflicts my goal, that bride takes a journey to grow up from naive little girl into humble mature woman. When i find it i guess i have my logline 😉

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