The Tony Bill
While being pursued by police and a protection team, David Porter must find the legendary Tony Bill to pay off a gambling debt; or he's dead
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RobbRoss thanks for your feedback. Certainly good comments to add along with the others. Currently working on a stronger logline.
Thanks everyone for your feedback.
I agree that the revision is better and flows more so than your original post. I like the idea that the Tony Bill is kept vague as feel this could be the twist of the story. People will think it is a person and it turns out it’s not. Maybe the log line needs a little rewording so it captivates a reader a little more but I do think you are on the right lines.
I like the alternate version. Tony Bill is a legend in the world you are creating, I don’t think it matters that we don’t know who he/it is.
I like the alternative better.
Personally, unless you’re planning on including a side-note with the logline explaining that “Tony Bill” is not a person, but an object, I’d suggest using a different description that’s less confusing.
The Tony Bill should be looked at as an object that if obtained he can use in exchange for his debt. Don’t want to reveal any more than that about it. Finding the Tony Bill is a substitute offer to free him of his debt.
I do like this attempt better but it’s still a little confusing.
You say, the legendary Tony Bill but I have never heard of him. Is he from history? How is finding Tony Bill going to clear the debt?
I think i like this alternative better. It’s quite straight to the point
The protection team is for the Tony Bill which is an object. He is seeking it out to pay for his debt.
I debated a long time over which logline to post (alternative below)…..did I make the wrong choice?
“A down on his luck lawyer, obsessed with virtual gambling, pursues the legendary Tony Bill to clear a debt and save his life”
Sounds like fun, but i’m a little confused here. If David is pursued by the police, he must have done something wrong, so why a protection team again? I guess you have to pick one. If a protection team then state why he needs protection. Also is he owing Tony Bill? if yes, then Tony should rather be looking for him and not the other way round. I think you just need a rearrangement of your idea for it to come out in good shape.