Terror Lurks Bellow the Mountain Chalet
JanCabalLogliner
While fighting with a group of survivors against deadly man-eating monsters inside the underground laboratory, Rita is trying to find her missing brother. Version 2
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Thank you for all the feedbacks 😉 working hard to make it finaly right 😉
Geno, good advice… although… ‘she thinks’ and ‘may be’ look redundant. I suggest either:
“… who she thinks created them.” or “… who may be responsible for creating them.”
personally I’d go with the first as it seems ‘stronger’.
Or for a bit a drama: “… who she blames for creating them.” Which might explain the estranged part.
No need for “young”, IMO. Not crazy about “traumatized” either. If she’s the protag, that quality trait will eventually wear off, and frankly anyone in that situation would be traumatized, so it doesn’t really separate them from anyone else.
“Somehow involved in the chaos” sounds to me that even YOU don’t know how he’s involved. This part is too vague. Do not hesitate giving info to make the story clear.
“When trapped in an underground lab, a resourceful (adroit, intrepid) woman must fight man-eating monsters to find her estranged scientist brother who, she thinks, may be responsible for creating them.” (28 words)
With this logline, I’ve described the woman in a more active, heroic, way, and added “estranged” to ratchet the conflict between her and her. Making him responsible for these monsters makes the reader wonder if he did it on purpose or not.
Hope this helps!
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman), judge
Thank you guys, great advice!
Applying what Geno said, what about this?
When trapped in an underground lab, a young traumatized woman fights man-eating monsters while searching for her bio-toxicologist brother who is somehow involved in all the chaos.
I think the first line is slightly muddled. I wouldn’t say ‘Whilst fighting with a group of survivors….’ I would actually start it like Shark has suggested. That way we learn more about the story faster.
It isn’t a bad attempt but think you need to trim and merge some of it together.
By the way, this attempt is improved from the first logline,it still needs changes but it’s getting there. I would listen to sharks advice.
Saying Rita, tells us nothing about her, You don’t need to name the character in the logline.
Give us an adjective. Determine, sheltered, naive, lonely, fierce… This will give the reader a picture of who the lead character is.
“…is trying” is passive. You want to write in the assertive voice “tries”, but even then, someone ‘trying” is not active. Trying to find someone missing can be shortened to “searches”.
“When trapped in an underground lab, a (description) (protag) fights man-eating monsters while searching for her brother who is (ironic conflict).”
Geno Scala (sharkeatingman) judge.