LA Miles
With crime running rampant in Los Angeles, a rookie DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost a of a once famed long dead prosecutor, era's clash as they fight to bring justice to the southland.
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What about leaving out the second sentence and we could assume a ghost is of a dead person? ‘With crime running rampant in Los Angeles, a rookie DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of a once famed prosecutor.’
I would not advice that Clint, Now we are missing the “what will our hero do with this advice”; what action is he going to take. Your revised logline does not describe that anymore.
This concept keeps attracting the same feedback as each iteration of the logline does not add the crucial missing elements a logline needs.
MC – DA
Flaw – ?
Inciting incident – ?
Obstacle – ?
Goal – ?
Even though this is a logline for a series it should still describe the goal and obstacle of the pilot episode.
I am not familiar with serie loglines. As far as I am concerned this last version satisfy me as I imagine that in each episode the two characters need so solve one case. I don’t know if that can be called a logline, it seems more a ‘concept’ to me.
But if you have to write the logline for the pilot, than give us this case! we need it to like or not the concept!
The Event would be………When the crime rate explodes across Los Angeles.
The Goal is unclear.
The Premise is a bit vague……Era’s clash.
I like the mentor is he a shape changer also being the antagonist……That could be good.
Use words sparingly Because you need to hit the 5 Point Logliners Code.
Try when
A struggling rookie D A starts winning cases with the help of a former dead judge he becomes a willing subject, but when it is revealed that the devil is manipulating history he must win his most important case.
A greater threat with a High Concept attached to a more personal Goal.
Hope this broadens your scope.