Sick
With most of his Arctic drilling barge crew dead, an up-and-coming oil exec struggles to manage the crisis ?by the book?, but a primordial fungus brought up from under the ice begins to infect the staff of the local hospital turning them into violent sexual predators furiously spreading their spores.
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This logline sets up a situation for a possible plot, but it doesn’t dilineate the plot itself. And a logline is a precis of a plot, no of a situation.
What must the executive do about the fungus infection? What can he do as he’s corporate executive, not a doctor or a scientist? There seems to be a disjunction between character and plot, a mismatch between the dramatic problem and the skills of the protagonist to deal with it.
This logline sets up a situation for a possible plot, but it doesn’t dilineate the plot itself. And a logline is a precis of a plot, no of a situation.
What must the executive do about the fungus infection? What can he do as he’s corporate executive, not a doctor or a scientist? There seems to be a disjunction between character and plot, a mismatch between the dramatic problem and the skills of the protagonist to deal with it.
First, I doubt there is a by-the-book response to a primordial fungus which turns humans into raging sex fiends, so that should be dropped from the logline.
Second: Struggles is passive. The lead should have to ‘Do Something’ in order to save the day (or fail trying)
This was my original logline advice the last time you posted it:
—–
When a primordial fungus infects his crew turning then into raging sex fiends, an up-and-coming Alaskan oil exec is forced to work with his scientist ex-wife to find a cure because at forty below zero, escape is not an option.?
—–
While you don’t have to use it. Hopefully you see what I did, the lead needs to do something (In fact do the last thing he really wants to do) work with is ex-wife to find a cure.
Your logline will be different but you should tell us what the lead needs to DO in order to either A: find a cure or B: escape.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
First, I doubt there is a by-the-book response to a primordial fungus which turns humans into raging sex fiends, so that should be dropped from the logline.
Second: Struggles is passive. The lead should have to ‘Do Something’ in order to save the day (or fail trying)
This was my original logline advice the last time you posted it:
—–
When a primordial fungus infects his crew turning then into raging sex fiends, an up-and-coming Alaskan oil exec is forced to work with his scientist ex-wife to find a cure because at forty below zero, escape is not an option.?
—–
While you don’t have to use it. Hopefully you see what I did, the lead needs to do something (In fact do the last thing he really wants to do) work with is ex-wife to find a cure.
Your logline will be different but you should tell us what the lead needs to DO in order to either A: find a cure or B: escape.
Hope that helped, good luck with this!
This is so hard to boil it down to such a short statement without losing something. I thank all of you for your advice.
The exec has no skills to deal with the problem. In my next draft I’m addressing that more directly.
He is a by-the-book person facing a situation that is way outside his scope.
I don’t see struggles as passive unless maybe it’s the way I used it. Most advice I’ve read about loglines uses “struggles” as an example of conveying action. I could look for an alternative verb if it is too cliche.
In my story there are no experts anymore and it is a matter of survival.
So, it will be B: escape/survive.
This has been very helpful.
Thank you again.
MLD
This is so hard to boil it down to such a short statement without losing something. I thank all of you for your advice.
The exec has no skills to deal with the problem. In my next draft I’m addressing that more directly.
He is a by-the-book person facing a situation that is way outside his scope.
I don’t see struggles as passive unless maybe it’s the way I used it. Most advice I’ve read about loglines uses “struggles” as an example of conveying action. I could look for an alternative verb if it is too cliche.
In my story there are no experts anymore and it is a matter of survival.
So, it will be B: escape/survive.
This has been very helpful.
Thank you again.
MLD
What’s the genre?
What’s the genre?
Extreme Horror
Extreme Horror
Sexual predators could be a problem then.
Sexual predators could be a problem then.
As previously posted on a former draft better to start with the inciting incident of the main plot.
If this is the exec fighting the fungus then:
After a primordial fungus kills half his crew a by the book oil company executive [does something worth watching him do] to [achieve a compelling and visual goal].
“…begins to infect the staff of the local hospital turning them into violent sexual predators furiously spreading their spores.” is probably redundant.
Better to just describe the main plot and hint at character archs with in a logline. Also “…struggles too…” or “…deals with…” are indeed weak descriptions of an action in a story. Better to describe specifically the way in which he fights the fungus.
As previously posted on a former draft better to start with the inciting incident of the main plot.
If this is the exec fighting the fungus then:
After a primordial fungus kills half his crew a by the book oil company executive [does something worth watching him do] to [achieve a compelling and visual goal].
“…begins to infect the staff of the local hospital turning them into violent sexual predators furiously spreading their spores.” is probably redundant.
Better to just describe the main plot and hint at character archs with in a logline. Also “…struggles too…” or “…deals with…” are indeed weak descriptions of an action in a story. Better to describe specifically the way in which he fights the fungus.
Some more very good advice. I’m going to continue to “struggle” with this. (hah!)
I really appreciate all the feedback.
MLD
Some more very good advice. I’m going to continue to “struggle” with this. (hah!)
I really appreciate all the feedback.
MLD
I like it! “The Thing” meets “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. Only question is: Can (these) spores spread in that cold a weather?
I like it! “The Thing” meets “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. Only question is: Can (these) spores spread in that cold a weather?
Thanks Rutger. I just posted my next draft if you care to check it out.
And to answer your question, the fungus strikes during the summer and the time of the midnight sun.
Thanks Rutger. I just posted my next draft if you care to check it out.
And to answer your question, the fungus strikes during the summer and the time of the midnight sun.
OK, that’s clear. And I will look at your next draft.
OK, that’s clear. And I will look at your next draft.