A FATHER goes searching for his missing son, and his friend, FRANK house sits, hoping the son will come home, unaware, someone is already there with him.

by Clint Pittenger · Penpusher · 95 pts 1,011 views

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This is an update from a previous logline, that starts with while the FATHER, I am reposting, hopefully to get feedback from the same group of people and of course anyone who wishes to comment as well. Thanks! Clint Pittenger

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Former member · Legend · 114,968 pts

Hi Clint,

You still have the same issue with this reworked logline. We still don't know who the protag is - the father or Frank? Who are we spending the most time with? Whose story is this?

By the way, it's recommended to avoid proper names and give us a sense of the character instead. Who is Frank? A retired cop? The father's estranged brother? "Friend" is too bland...

While his older brother frantically searches for his missing son, a [appropriate adjective] holds down the fort at home, unaware that another presence is in the house with him.

Totally lame, but you get my point - Story A is with Frank in the house and story B is the father searching for his son.

If you can provide a brief synopsis, we may be able to better provide feedback on how to tweak the logline.

Cheers,
Monique