About to become a father, a former contender turned getaway driver decides to go legit when an Aryan Brotherhood kingpin who once derailed his boxing career threatens to kill his family to force him to do one last heist — one that comes with the ultimate price.

David, you've posted several versions of this one concept already and have received many good notes from others to help you improve it, but have not implemented them. Seeing as you are obviously passionate about this story, I strongly suggest you read through, and study, the comments already given as most of them still apply.

The point of this web site is to improve our loglines and concepts. This, sometimes, requires fundamental changes to a story and a ground-up restructuring of a logline, not symbolically adjusting one or two words to form a cosmetic change to the sentence.

Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but at this stage, this is the best advice I can think of to help you improve this concept and logline.

And I certainly hope this helps.

As Richiev said. The protagonist is still being cast as a mere pawn of the kingpin. If all he has to do to win ?his freedom is do what the kingpin forces him to do then he may be liberated , but he's only a liberated pawn. He's done nothing more than what someone else forced him to do.

What does he have to do to win his freedom with dignity -- become his own person instead of someone else's liberated pawn?

Also, in the various versions, you make a point saying that the last heist is one that?"comes with the ultimate price." ?What does that mean?. ?I'm assuming it's one that so risky, he's likely to die. Well, I shouldn't have to guess.

The fact that you keep mentioning the nature of the heist seems to indicate -- I'm guessing again -- that it's ?the most dangerous job he's ever had to do.. ?What makes it the most dangerous? ?

I dunno. ?But -- and here I go guessing again -- the peculiar and perilous nature of the last heist seems to be the hook of the story in your mind. ?This is the part of the story that really, really interests you, that fascinates you, that you not only want to but must dramatize.

Well, if that is the case, the hook in the story for you probably needs to be the hook for the rest of us. ?But since we don't know what the hook is , we don't have anything for out minds to "bite" on.

And, of course, I could be totally missing the point of your story, what the hook is supposed to be. ?I'm basing my conjectures on what I read (and don't read) in the logline.

fwiw.

As Richiev said. The protagonist is still being cast as a mere pawn of the kingpin. If all he has to do to win ?his freedom is do what the kingpin forces him to do then he may be liberated , but he's only a liberated pawn. He's done nothing more than what someone else forced him to do.

What does he have to do to win his freedom with dignity -- become his own person instead of someone else's liberated pawn?

Also, in the various versions, you make a point saying that the last heist is one that?"comes with the ultimate price." ?What does that mean?. ?I'm assuming it's one that so risky, he's likely to die. Well, I shouldn't have to guess.

The fact that you keep mentioning the nature of the heist seems to indicate -- I'm guessing again -- that it's ?the most dangerous job he's ever had to do.. ?What makes it the most dangerous? ?

I dunno. ?But -- and here I go guessing again -- the peculiar and perilous nature of the last heist seems to be the hook of the story in your mind. ?This is the part of the story that really, really interests you, that fascinates you, that you not only want to but must dramatize.

Well, if that is the case, the hook in the story for you probably needs to be the hook for the rest of us. ?But since we don't know what the hook is , we don't have anything for out minds to "bite" on.

And, of course, I could be totally missing the point of your story, what the hook is supposed to be. ?I'm basing my conjectures on what I read (and don't read) in the logline.

fwiw.