Before she dies, a terminally ill Irish banker, after keeping her 10-year-old daughter’s birth a secret, must arrange for the young girl to meet her ex-baseball star/American father.

I like it. I have one question, when you say "meet with the father", are you implying the child lives in Ireland and will have to move to the US and live with the father?

Hello David, great question!

One of the best lessons a writer can learn: Everything has a name.

Birds don't fly overhead: A flock of seagulls sores by, A Hawk circles in the distance. A humming bird flutters to and fro.

A car doesn't speed by: A Mazda Miata zooms past, A Ford Explorer motors by. A 73 dodge dart sputters down the road.

A man doesn't sit under a tree: He leans against a weeping willow, he rests on the trunk of an Apple tree. He slouches lazily against an ancient oak.

A guy doesn't play for a baseball team, he plays for the Yankee's or the Mariners.

Someone doesn't have a Terminal illness, They have Cancer or Leukemia.

When you are specific it creates images in the readers heads using very few words. A dog is vague, a black lab is specific. A man is vague, a beer guzzling football player is specific.

Be specific, give everything a name!

Do this and you can say more with less words.

Why cancer? Why a pitcher? Why the Yankee's?

All of those are decisions that take away or impose on the writers voice. More concerning is the mention of the Yankee's. The presence of a baseball team in a story is major sponsorship opportunity that any professional writer would know to leave vacant for at least two reasons: 1.) You (likely) don't have permission to use the Yankee's in your story, either published or unpublished, and 2.) it's an opportunity for a producer to shop product placement that could provide substantial finances for moving the project into production.

The logline needs to be more flexible.

In the end, I believe the story is solid we just keep missing on the logline.

Thank you for all of your help and suggestions. I'll continue to grind away at this. Best regards, Carl!

I think you need to add a complication into the mix, such as him being married. At the moment i can see it going one way or another. Him finding out and agreeing to see her or him flat out refusing. Him agreeing may be boring. But him refusing, would be more interesting, but what is happening that has him not wanting to? What/ who is the antagonistic force keeping father and daughter apart?