by Lucyinthesky · Initiate · 40 pts
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Good points made already, I'll only add that a logline needs to focus on the primary action, goal, and obstacle the main character faces.
Your logline mentions too much, yet at the same time, explains very little about the story and character motivations. You can cut the first two sentences and reword the third so it details the sequence of events which motivated the MC to take action, for example: After his fiance is selected for execution by the government, a [good main character description] must [take this action] to save her life.
Reading through the rest of the comments on this thread, it becomes clear that the story is more about the twins than the lovers so the above example is more of a structural guide at this point.
Agree with Nir Shelter.? The more interesting conflict is between the twins.? I suggest focusing on that.
Agree with Nir Shelter.? The more interesting conflict is between the twins.? I suggest focusing on that.
Yes! That's the core of the story.
Now a days Twins or multiple births are people wo have this ?special bond?
But what happends when everybody is like this?
It's the psychology of people feeling threatened by the ones who are most close to themselfs.
Because striving for feeling unique is a characteristic of human nature.
Envy and feeling less then the other is a very importent theme in this story.
It's the big ?what if? And what does it take for people to turn against the other.
I think I got lost along the way with this concept because i got distracted with the idea of making it a ?selling story?
Thank you for noticing the point, and making me aware of the true core of this story.
Your logline focuses on the setup of the story and not the story itself.
What happens when the lead characters love interest is sentenced to die?
What must he do to save her??What specific action?
What hooks my interest is the story is the concept that identical twins are forced to fight to the death.?This already happens in a nature with other species, btw.? ?For example, shark embryos cannibalize other embryos in utero.? So there's the analogue and justification by adult powers-that-be for setting twin brothers and sisters against each other.
It's another version of the rite of passage trope; in this case for the right to live.
fwiw.
