Struggling to rise up after a traumatic injury, a man becomes a firefighter. Hindered by extreme medical issues from the incident, he fights for both his job and a woman across the country.
Categories: Public
6 reviews
Story, especial for the screen, is best thought of in finite terms. In other words, you need to define a starting point - inciting incident, and an end point - goal. Right now the revised draft of the logline describes an endless situation - he will continue to fight for the job and women to no end.
As DPG advised, best to structure a logline around an event that motivates the main character to need to achieve a particular goal.
>>The vision loss does not occur until halfway through his fire career.
Oh. The logline misleads on that point. ?It says "after a traumatic injury...".
If that injury occurs 1/2 through the story, then it doesn't seem to be the inciting incident. ?Rather, it's a complication.
In 25 word or less:
What is the inciting incident in the story?
As a causal consequence of that incident, what becomes his objective goal?
Note: loglines are about the "A'" story, not the "B" story. ?So the relationship with the woman is extraneous, unnecessary.
(And in drama, a protagonist doesn't get to have the best of both worlds, the "A" story and the "B" story. Inevitably, he will be trapped between the horns of a dilemma where he must sacrifice one to obtain the other.)
>>The vision loss does not occur until halfway through his fire career.
Oh. The logline misleads on that point. ?It says "after a traumatic injury...".
If that injury occurs 1/2 through the story, then it doesn't seem to be the inciting incident. ?Rather, it's a complication.
In 25 word or less:
What is the inciting incident in the story?
As a causal consequence of that incident, what becomes his objective goal?
Note: loglines are about the "A'" story, not the "B" story. ?So the relationship with the woman is extraneous, unnecessary.
(And in drama, a protagonist doesn't get to have the best of both worlds, the "A" story and the "B" story. Inevitably, he will be trapped between the horns of a dilemma where he must sacrifice one to obtain the other.)