Categories: Romance
Hi Youngwriter1547,
I'll give this a go. There's a lot of ornamental here - lets try to lean it out a bit.
INTENTION: ?? character doesn't seem to have a strong goal/intention. There's no real story until character has some kind of strong goal.
OBSTACLE: ?? there's nothing really standing in his way. Without an obstacle - there's no conflict. No drama.
How about...
When he is forced to spend Christmas with his family, - the inciting incident.
a recently fired Hollywood agent,
must - - - ???? (goal/intention comes here.)
or else - - - ??? (what happens if he doesn't? where's the stakes?)
"Melissa, a kind and beautiful young woman who unexpectedly... " - all this is ornamental. Not necessarily to the logline.
Notes -
- Perhaps make it "estranged" family. That will suggest he has some distance to travel. Some kind of arc.
Hope this helps.
One thing that I noticed is you put the end of the story in the logline. You should leave a little mystery as to the story's ending.
You should tell the reader who the lead character is (Which you did)
What sets the story into motion ( Being fired)
and finally should should give us the lead characters' dramatic goal.
What does the lead want? What are the stakes if they don't succeed?
However, I wouldn't tell the reader how it ends, or whether the lead character succeeds or fails in their goal. So I would leave that part out of the logline
Hopefully, this was a helpful tip.
Alas, the story relies on an all-too-old female role; that is, a good woman is type cast in the supporting role rather than the leading role, It's her job to rescue, reform, redeem a bad man, or at least a failing one. She does all the emotional labor -- he gets the dramatic payoff.
We're in the age of #MeToo now. I suggest an overhaul and upgrade of her role.
