by NeoDoesLoglining · Penpusher · 19 pts
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Strengths Well-defined POV Clear, difficult goal Active protagonist Filmable incident Specificity Concision No hedging
Needs work Stakes and urgency Causality and coherence Action, not decision
The logline describes a scene and a decision, but not a story. A character falling for someone is a scene, possibly a sequence, but no more. And having to decide what to do is a decision, not an action. We want to know what James does, or tries to do, to get the girl. Following on from the crazy premise of sentient food in his fridge, which I love by the way, you've established an off-the-wall premise. So go with it. What is the most off-the-wall, crazy thing James can do to pursue the love of his life? And let that sit centre stage in your logline.
Needs work Clear, difficult goal Active protagonist Specificity Causality and coherence Action, not decision Concision No hedging
>>James
Protagonists aren't usually named in a logline. (The exception is a character in a plot based on historical events like Napoleon, Catherine the Great, Julius Caesar.)
Rather, the main character should be presented in terms of a defining characteristic. What is his defining characteristic? (In comedy that is usually a character flaw as comedies are usually motivated by human foibles.)
>>finds himself infatuated
This presents himself as the passive victim of his emotions. Well, I guess we all are in some way. But in drama, the protagonist must be characterized as pro-active. In this case, he doesn't find himself in love, he proactively, gladly, willfully falls in love.
>> he is torn.
OK -- but what is his response? Again, the character and his dramatic problem are presented in way that makes him seem a passive, hapless victim. What is his overall objective goal? (Or is the "food for thought" expounded by sentient food going to determine the plot?)
It’s an interesting premise, sets up a romantic story with a twist. The main thing I’d like to see in this Logline is James’s action that he takes in response to his infatuation and hearing sinister advice from sentient food. That will be the bulk of the movie, so including that in the Logline would give us a great idea of what this story is.
I’d also recommend clarifying the inciting incident for the story. What kicks everything off? Because finding yourself infatuated with someone is a great character trait, but it isn’t a visual event that will prompt the character to go on an adventure. From what I can see it may be discovering the sentient food? Or something sinister the food does? I’m not sure, but it’s something that if clarified, would strengthen the logline
