Categories: Adventure
Grounded In Space
I like the premise, it seems to suggest a wacky comedy/adventure, like Bill and Ted or something like that. So my feedback is a bit different-
I think what you are probably trying to do is mashing up a mundane task (teenager trying to recover dad's car) with a big interstellar space conflict. So his ostensibly mundane task with low stakes ends up becoming something much bigger- saving the galaxy (and then recovering or not recovering the car at the very end.)
So you want to convey that in your logline, while still retaining the comedic aspects and tone. So something like this (but smoother)-
"When his father's company car is seized by a tyrannical federation's mothership stranded in enemy space, a fickle teen must team up with a fearsome?alien commander?to not only retrieve the car but also to?prevent?an all-our inter-galactic?war that will destroy Earth."
I found this confusing. ?Here's why. ?He's stranded in space when the aliens take the car. ?Got it. ?But then he has to retrieve it? ?Isn't he already with it? ?If he's not with the car, is this movie about getting the car back? ?Or if he is with the car, is this movie about escaping with the car? ?One's a journey, the others an escape.
I'm guessing the hero is out joyriding in his Daddy's car, get's abducted, and then has to escape the aliens with the car in tact. ?Am I wrong?
Also you've listed this as an adventure. ?This seems like a comedy.
It's not the mother ship that that seizes the car rather the tyrannical alien ship captain. In this instance it would be better to specify and antagonist that does the bad thing.
But as the others have mentioned above, the stakes are not high enough or the "problem" (as McKee would put it) doesn't sound story worthy. If there is an intergalactic war going on, why not make the boy or his father or both need to fight the bad guys to stop or win the war?
