Thwarted at every attempt to win over the girl of his dreams, an awkward boy (8) has to overcome his deepest fear to draw her into a magical world.

Thanks dpg. I did watch 'Moonrise Kingdom' and absolutely loved it! But the feelings between those two main characters go so much further than where my script has gone. Sex isn't remotely on his brain. The boy in my script doesn't think further than: I don't know why i like her, but i like being with her! He is a very different boy. Even so, since these posts, I have been more aware of what happens between sexes at that age. it stems from the same vein as girl hating boys and boys hating girls- especially the ones they really like! My lead character is just different enough not to swim with the stream. Thanks so much for your input. Good or bad, I need feedback from potential audience members out there, so thanks for being honest! ;-)

Thanks JBalmer, your logline was actually the one that did help me the most. It's simple and to the point. cheers

Carmen:
>>that men (not all!) don't really remember feeling anything at that age...

Even though puberty kicks in so much earlier now, I think it is still the case that for most 8-year old boys girls are not their top priorities. It's a little too early for those kind of feelings you story seeks to portray to kick in. (I speak as a member of the guy species in that regard.)

With regard to issue of unoriginality -- mea culpa, my initial response -- you are correct that falling in love is a universal experience. And the trick is coming up with a novel twist, a new perspective. Based upon your clarification, I would say you seem to have a different slant. But as I said, I not sure how credible it is, given the facts of biological maturation.

Can the kid (and the girl) be a few years older, both on the cusp of puberty?

Or why not reverse roles? Could the girl notice the boy that way and part of the complication is he's too busy climbing trees, skate boarding, playing video games -- doing young guy things -- to notice or understand?

That said: rules were made to be broken. So if you can draw out of the experience of your own son a story that is fresh and unique and true to our emotional lives -- more power to you.

BTW: I like the complication of the kid having to get past the gatekeepers of her older brothers. Oh man, oh boy, does that ring true to experience!

Carmen:
>>that men (not all!) don't really remember feeling anything at that age...

Even though puberty kicks in so much earlier now, I think it is still the case that for most 8-year old boys girls are not their top priorities. It's a little too early for those kind of feelings you story seeks to portray to kick in. (I speak as a member of the guy species in that regard.)

With regard to issue of unoriginality -- mea culpa, my initial response -- you are correct that falling in love is a universal experience. And the trick is coming up with a novel twist, a new perspective. Based upon your clarification, I would say you seem to have a different slant. But as I said, I not sure how credible it is, given the facts of biological maturation.

Can the kid (and the girl) be a few years older, both on the cusp of puberty?

Or why not reverse roles? Could the girl notice the boy that way and part of the complication is he's too busy climbing trees, skate boarding, playing video games -- doing young guy things -- to notice or understand?

That said: rules were made to be broken. So if you can draw out of the experience of your own son a story that is fresh and unique and true to our emotional lives -- more power to you.

BTW: I like the complication of the kid having to get past the gatekeepers of her older brothers. Oh man, oh boy, does that ring true to experience!

Thanks Tony, you guys helped me a lot! Love the Cicada incident. I feel for you ;-) 'win' was definitely too harsh was not expressive enough. Thanks- fingers crossed!

wow -- this actually sounds quite cool knowing the above (as well as your post further down the track...)...

Wanting to simply 'be in her company' is a far cry from wanting to 'win' her -- definitely something to keep out of the logline. Also given the fact this is a short with no dialogue changes things a bit too. Sounds like a potentially beautiful little film. I love the image of him dressing in suit, like a man child -- this is not cliched (IMO anyway) and seems to work really well with the theme. A visual tale of the curious budding of first love... a boy beyond his years trying to get to the bottom of these new feelings...(with the fact that he's fatherless being a nice little cherry on top...)

...and this might sound a tad contradictory to my other post... but I can remember my first couple of crushes very vividly -- my first was in pre-school -- I was too shy to even speak to her but my mum knew about the crush... so she went and organised a freakin play-date with the girl via the girls mum. My mum didn't tell me either until the girl rocked up at my house -- scarred me for life! I can remember standing awkwardly with her in my backyard all "So... you like... stuff??" Later that week, at pre-school, I dealt with tmy feelings by presenting her with a gift in my small clenched hand... a live cicada! She screamed, ran away, and NEVER spoke to me again.

So yes -- eight year old boys (and girls) can certainly have crushes, maybe even 'girlfriends/ boyfriends', but they're not the same thing as pre-teen/ teen/ adult girlfriends/ boyfriends -- and 'winning' implies a conquest which doesn't suit an eight year old (and leads to thoughts of sexism etc...)

Again -- the main issues to me with the original logline was the term 'win', which to me implied he was seeking a romantic relationship with this girl -- when in fact this does not sound like the case -- he is enamored by her... also 'magical world' which was vague... Your revised logline is much better.

Best of luck with the film and the competition!