Categories: Fantasy
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I suggest that "a member of the ruling forces"? isn't personal enough. But it's your story.
Also, I suggest the logline should indicate that? initially it's an unfair fight in favor of the antagonist.? That is, the outlaw has to be more than vicious, he has to possess some? sorcerer-like powers and skills?of his own, ?that are even more potent than those sorcerer.? The odds must overwhelmingly be against the sorcerer.?? Otherwise, there's no meaningful suspense.
Again, hearkening back to the template of the Star Wars saga:? Luke (and now Rey in the reboot of the franchise) initially go up against villains far more skilled in the use of the Force than they are.?? They must learn under duress -- fast.
I don't get that sense that the odds are overwhelmingly against the sorcerer.? The outlaw may be vicious? - but that doesn't mean he has greater powers to prevail against those of the sorcerer.? My sense is that the odds? seem to be initially in favor of the sorcerer.? So what is the factor in the fight that creates suspense?
I suggest that "a member of the ruling forces"? isn't personal enough. But it's your story.
Also, I suggest the logline should indicate that? initially it's an unfair fight in favor of the antagonist.? That is, the outlaw has to be more than vicious, he has to possess some? sorcerer-like powers and skills?of his own, ?that are even more potent than those sorcerer.? The odds must overwhelmingly be against the sorcerer.?? Otherwise, there's no meaningful suspense.
Again, hearkening back to the template of the Star Wars saga:? Luke (and now Rey in the reboot of the franchise) initially go up against villains far more skilled in the use of the Force than they are.?? They must learn under duress -- fast.
I don't get that sense that the odds are overwhelmingly against the sorcerer.? The outlaw may be vicious? - but that doesn't mean he has greater powers to prevail against those of the sorcerer.? My sense is that the odds? seem to be initially in favor of the sorcerer.? So what is the factor in the fight that creates suspense?
After a vicious outlaw kills a member of the ruling forces of a society, a young, yet talented sorcerer sets off to hunt him down in order to protect the people and prevent a potential war.
I've used both the catalyst and the big event here. Better?
So what have these? actually done in the realm that makes them the?"most vicious"??? I suggest that needs more specificity.
More specifically, what injustice have they committed against the sorcerer?? ?What is a direct causal link between their evil deeds and the life of the sorcerer -- the inciting incident, if you will --?that motivates him to hunt them down??? I suggest making the motivation for his hunt personal as well as communal.? Like they killed his family, or have kidnapped a love one (a sister or the woman he loves, hopes to marry).
Again, consider? "Star Wars: A New Hope".??Young Luke is not ignorant of the war between the?Empire and the Rebel Alliance, but it's not his fight -- he has no skin in the game.? So he's not motivated to overcome his own doubts and apprehension and answer Obi-Wan's call.? And then his uncle and aunt are killed.
Now it's personal.? Now he's motivated.? Now it's a motivation the audience can relate to.
What is the strongest possible motive for the young man to?go from being a sorcerer to being a warrior??? They're different roles with different skill sets.? Would it not be the case that just because he's got the right stuff to be a sorcerer? it doesn't mean those capabilities?also mean?he's got the right stuff to be a warrior?
fwiw
So what have these? actually done in the realm that makes them the?"most vicious"??? I suggest that needs more specificity.
More specifically, what injustice have they committed against the sorcerer?? ?What is a direct causal link between their evil deeds and the life of the sorcerer -- the inciting incident, if you will --?that motivates him to hunt them down??? I suggest making the motivation for his hunt personal as well as communal.? Like they killed his family, or have kidnapped a love one (a sister or the woman he loves, hopes to marry).
Again, consider? "Star Wars: A New Hope".??Young Luke is not ignorant of the war between the?Empire and the Rebel Alliance, but it's not his fight -- he has no skin in the game.? So he's not motivated to overcome his own doubts and apprehension and answer Obi-Wan's call.? And then his uncle and aunt are killed.
Now it's personal.? Now he's motivated.? Now it's a motivation the audience can relate to.
What is the strongest possible motive for the young man to?go from being a sorcerer to being a warrior??? They're different roles with different skill sets.? Would it not be the case that just because he's got the right stuff to be a sorcerer? it doesn't mean those capabilities?also mean?he's got the right stuff to be a warrior?
fwiw
So basically, this form "In order to save the lives of his people, an arrogant sorcerer sets off to hunt one of the most vicious outlaws that ever set foot in the realm." seems to be the best shot in your oppinion? I mean,would you read this script if it was on your desk,working at a studio?
Btw, I very much appreciate your time and your help. Cheers.
>?he goes against a very strong opponent, so basically him going against the rebel.
As I indicated earlier, I have a problem with his motivation being to exalt himself rather than save his community. Audiences root for characters who are selfless -- not selfish.? So I suggest deleting any reference to gaining or regaining his status.
Which is not to say, that in the story proper he can't start out on his heroic struggle imperfectly motivated -- that could be his character arc, growing internally to where he overcomes his arrogance, does the right thing for the right reason.?
But loglines are about external,?objective?issues not internal, subjective?issues.? Loglines are about what a character needs to do? with his life -- his agon (struggle) --not about what wisdom?he needs to learn about??life (ethos).?? The? ethos is apprehended (finally) and embraced as an unintended consequence of an intentional struggle.
It seems to me that describing him as arrogant is sufficient --that's his character flaw, right?? ?Implicit in the character flaw is the character arc, the journey to?the ?opposite:? humility.
>?he goes against a very strong opponent, so basically him going against the rebel.
As I indicated earlier, I have a problem with his motivation being to exalt himself rather than save his community. Audiences root for characters who are selfless -- not selfish.? So I suggest deleting any reference to gaining or regaining his status.
Which is not to say, that in the story proper he can't start out on his heroic struggle imperfectly motivated -- that could be his character arc, growing internally to where he overcomes his arrogance, does the right thing for the right reason.?
But loglines are about external,?objective?issues not internal, subjective?issues.? Loglines are about what a character needs to do? with his life -- his agon (struggle) --not about what wisdom?he needs to learn about??life (ethos).?? The? ethos is apprehended (finally) and embraced as an unintended consequence of an intentional struggle.
It seems to me that describing him as arrogant is sufficient --that's his character flaw, right?? ?Implicit in the character flaw is the character arc, the journey to?the ?opposite:? humility.
The apprentice part is a good idea, thank you.
What makes a good golden fleece is not the aquiring of the object, but the road and the experiences learn through it, that's what I'm aiming for.
I think the hook would be the fact that as an apprentice, he goes against a very strong opponent, so basically him going against the rebel.? You think that's not enough to intrigue a reader?
>>>I wanted to use the word ?unexpericend? but I thought it was a bad idea
How about "apprentice sorcerer"?
>>This here is going to be a Golden Fleece,
Okay -- but all we have to go on is the logline, and I see no hint of that in the logline. In a "Golden Fleece" story, the hero must team up and go on a dangerous journey?to obtain a valuable object. ?In your logline, the sorcerer is going after bad people -- not a valuable object.
>>>rebel really has a cause,but that's spoilers
A logline should advertise the strongest selling point -- aka "hook". ?What is it for this story? ?That the kid going after rebels or that's he's doing it for a cause?? What is the story really about? As Blake Snyder might?inquire (were he still in the land of living):?? Are you sure you're not hiding the game ball?? (See "Saved the Cat! Strikes Back", p11)
>>>I wanted to use the word ?unexpericend? but I thought it was a bad idea
How about "apprentice sorcerer"?
>>This here is going to be a Golden Fleece,
Okay -- but all we have to go on is the logline, and I see no hint of that in the logline. In a "Golden Fleece" story, the hero must team up and go on a dangerous journey?to obtain a valuable object. ?In your logline, the sorcerer is going after bad people -- not a valuable object.
>>>rebel really has a cause,but that's spoilers
A logline should advertise the strongest selling point -- aka "hook". ?What is it for this story? ?That the kid going after rebels or that's he's doing it for a cause?? What is the story really about? As Blake Snyder might?inquire (were he still in the land of living):?? Are you sure you're not hiding the game ball?? (See "Saved the Cat! Strikes Back", p11)
I'm ready to exclude the term "arrogant" since I see it causes some controversy. Tell me if you think the word "young" does more justice to the concept. What I'm trying to underline is that the sorcerer is relatively unexperienced for the task( not weak ). I wanted to use the word "unexpericend" but I thought it was a bad idea,because it might send the wrong impression. Imagine a resident in year 3 of medical school. He has experience, knows what he has to do, but it's not there yet. To quote the above post, he's a diamond in the rough. That's what I'm trying to do with this guy here. The script has more space to underline this than the logline,but the logline is a big part of the project.? Tell me which one of the following will make you read the script if you were a reader for a studio and why:
After a shameful exclusion from the order, a young, yet talented sorcerer sets off to hunt one of the most vicious outlaws in the realm.
To regain his status in the order, an arrogant, yet talented sorcerer sets off to hunt one of the most vicious outlaws that ever set foot in the realm.
In order to save the people and gain status in the order, a talented, yet young sorcerer sets off to hunt one of the most vicious outlaws that ever set foot in the realm.
The epic adventure of a young but talented sorcerer who sets off to hunt one of the most vicious outlaws of the realm.
A vicious, unknown rebel sets off to destroy the ruling forces of a society. His only impediment, a gifted but arrogant officer of the clan who's fighting his own battle: he either eliminates the threat or gets banned from the guild.?? (I've tried starting with the antagonist)