Categories: Student Loglines
Saga of tragedy and triumph is the story. Focus on that
After injuring his friend in a car crash a boy....
A legal battle for compensation after a car crash divides a poor African town but drives the two boys involved closer.
The background is nice, but could be done in the opening credits. Give me the real meat of the story.
First, it is too long, and as said before it doesn't hook a potential viewer in. It should be less than 30 words, and in my opinion, the whole first part could be cut as stated by CMathias and the suggestion there is good.("When a road accident leaves their son paralyzed, the determined parents engage..."). Honestly, looking at it cutting the first and last parts out would probably do, you're really just trying to explain too much. So: "When a road accident leaves their son paralyzed, the determined parents engage" in a legal battle against the young driver it divides a community.
But I think that there should be more emotion in that, so maybe mention that the parents are poor, or need the money if their son is ever going to walk again, otherwise it just seems like the parents are suing an inexperienced driver so they can get some money, which makes it harder to root for them. And make sure to state a clear protagonist, if it is the injured boy or the parents. And you possibly even antagonize the young driver, maybe saying that he's a reckless rich kid who doesn't care whom he hurts.
Anyway, aim for less than 30 words.
Well, in my opinion it needs some work:
- "Tragedy" is spelled incorrectly
- "one OF the boys" - missing word
The "gripping saga of tragedy and triumph" is too generic. Most stories have that.
Cut the first part to something more succint and focus on the protagonists (which I will assume are the parents). For instance "When a road accident leaves their son paralyzed, the determined parents engage...."
Overall, I don't see the "hook" here. Why should I go see it? I wouldn't at the moment...
