When a young man converts to Islam for the love of a girl, he finds his life thrown into chaos when the mentor he befriended ends up being a terrorist, intent on bombing a train -with him omboard.
Categories: Thriller
14 reviews
Inciting incident, clear motivation and goal these are your primary concerns in plot construction and subsequently a logline.
The latest draft of the logline seems to brush over what reads like an inciting incident - finds himself on a train with a bomb, and a goal to disarm the bomb. Why then is half the logline spent describing the back story; girlfriend, fianc?, conversion to Islam etc??
Just focus on the plot, if you can't get the plot to come across clearly in a logline after many many tries then it is a clear indication of a problem in the concept.
On another note if the MC is?able to through himself on top of the bomb and prevent wide spread damage, the bomb couldn't have been powerful enough to truly endanger the other passengers. A bomb powerful enough to destroy a train will easily tear through a human body.
The latest iteration adds a twist to the story line that leaves me puzzled. ?She's been "excommunicated" -- although Islam uses another term with a different connotation than "excommunication" conveys in Christianity. ? And he converts anyway.
Hmm. ?I was more interested in a story where it was a straight line conversion. ?He converts because she will not marry an infidel, nor will her parents give their consent (which in traditional cultures is usually required).
Well, whatever version of the logline and story you end up with, isn't it the case that he's converting to marry her -- that is his initial objective goal? ?If so, then I think that's the way their relationship and his conversion ought to be framed.
The latest iteration adds a twist to the story line that leaves me puzzled. ?She's been "excommunicated" -- although Islam uses another term with a different connotation than "excommunication" conveys in Christianity. ? And he converts anyway.
Hmm. ?I was more interested in a story where it was a straight line conversion. ?He converts because she will not marry an infidel, nor will her parents give their consent (which in traditional cultures is usually required).
Well, whatever version of the logline and story you end up with, isn't it the case that he's converting to marry her -- that is his initial objective goal? ?If so, then I think that's the way their relationship and his conversion ought to be framed.