When an out of work teacher is given a deadline by a loan shark, he contracts a hit-man on himself so his family can collect on his life insurance. However after he befriends the hit-man they decide to fake his death instead.

An out of work teacher?who must? repay a?sadistic loan shark in 24 hours or get his ears chopped off??befriends a hit-man who agrees to help him fake his death, but the?loan shark isn't quite convinced he's dead?and?his new identity?in a wig and heels is?almost too much to bear

Thanks guys very helpful comments.

>> After a jealous board member frames a high-flying CEO for embezzlement she hires a hit man to fake her own death to avoid jail but they end up working together to bring the jealous board member to justice.

I think this revised logline works rather well as a corporate sabotage story, but since the board member is mentioned first (the subject), it's unclear that the CEO is the one who hires the hitman and that she's the protag. Suggest reversing the order of the subjects in the opening phrase:

After a high-flying CEO is framed for embezzlement by a jealous board member, she hires a hitman to fake her own death to avoid jail and then joins forces with him to expose the board member's nefarious scheme.

Hope this helps

I also think you don't need "so her family can get the insurance money" in the logline. That is not essential to the dramatics of the story. She is faking her death so she can escape death, that is reason and explanation enough.

LOL!

Thanks DPG that helps clarify a few of the problems I've been having with this idea.

Nir,

Thanks for the clarification.

What hooked my interest, my enthusiasm, what I think will sell the story is the central premise: a woman in deep debt to a loan shark hires a man to kill her so her family can collect the life insurance only to have him fall in love with her and refuse to do it.

I think it's a winner.

The corporate subplot -- whatever. It doesn't hook my interest, doesn't make me enthusiastic. (Others' mileage may vary.) It seems to me you've got enough raw material for a solid story without it. But if it complements and works well with the "A" story, go for it.

But I would not advise cluttering up the logline with the corporate complications. Save it for the pitch. Ideally, a logline should KISS (Keep It Simple...Shelter)