by griffynbachta · Initiate · 105 pts
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Strengths Active protagonist Named antagonist Cause & effect Filmable incident Clear goal Real stakes Action, not decision No hedging
Needs work Keep it simple Every detail earns its place
An interesting premise. But does the plot premise have to entail magic? Could it be realistic, like he wins because he's a card counter. And he's got to do it on the down low, win small amounts over time. Because if the casinos suspect he can count cards, they'll ban him--risk, jeopardy. (Where's the risk in merely exploiting magic? You may have embedded some risk in the character exploiting magic, but it's not obvious. It's not there in the logline. In a logline, the risk entailed in any action should be immediate and obvious. A reader should not have to guess.)
>>but when the hospital fails to find a suitable donor, he must gamble his daughter to save her life.
That seems to be the mid-point crisis of the plot. Which may or may not be part of a logline. The problem with including it in *this* logline is that extends the length of the logline to 51 words. The general rule of thumb is that a logline should be no longer than 40 words. Another rule of thumb: it can be read in under 15 seconds? (AND make immediate sense. It should not induce a WTF? moment in the mind of the person reading the logline.)
The hard truth is that people in the Biz have short attention spans because of distractions and demands on their time. Therefore, a logline that violates the above rules of thumb risks being passed over.
Hope his helps. As I said, it's an interesting premise.
Strengths Active protagonist Named antagonist Cause & effect Filmable incident Clear goal Real stakes Action, not decision
Needs work Keep it simple Every detail earns its place No hedging
A blacklisted money mule discovers a magical casino that duplicates anything he gambles, and uses it to keep his dying daughter supplied with the experimental medicine holding her over until a lung transplant. But when no donor is found, he places the only bet that can still save her: his daughter herself.
