When the woman he loves is murdered by a cult, an alchemist in 18th Century France, the charismatic Count St Germain, becomes an immortal assassin in a tale of revenge, redemption and adventure.

Thank you both! I might post this one more time with changes based on your notes. Ya guys rock.

Thank you both! I might post this one more time with changes based on your notes. Ya guys rock.

I'd also add a descriptor for either the cult or his wife so we get some idea of why they may have murdered her.

I'd stop after 'assassin' and leave that latter bit for the pitch letter. He was a fascinating character though.

Maybe 'seeks his revenge by becoming an immortal assassin'....

This is much better, clearer, and more emotionally appealing then the last one you had put up. I'm intrigued to know how he becomes immortal though, wander if there is a way that can be added in, or would that give too much away? I would also end the log line as if you are still telling the story as opposed to saying 'in a tale of...' I would personally say 'becomes an immortal assassin and sets off to seek horrifying revenge.' Or something like that.

Overall though much better than before and has now become less generic and asks more important questions.