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In a world where a new species of human suffers discrimination and containment, a young and erratic Control Officer for the Registry meets a sadistic yet charming bi-species man and builds a partnership that threatens to expose the lies at the foundation of the organization?s operations.
Okay, I toned down some of the novel bits into more generic equivalents. (The length isn't actually an issue right now, since I'm writing this for a TV Pilot competition that accepts any logline under 50 words.) * * * In a world where supernatural creatures suffer discrimination and containment by tRead more
Okay, I toned down some of the novel bits into more generic equivalents. (The length isn’t actually an issue right now, since I’m writing this for a TV Pilot competition that accepts any logline under 50 words.)
* * *
In a world where supernatural creatures suffer discrimination and containment by the Registry, a young and erratic agent must play a delicate game of lies and seduction with one of the Registry?s greatest threats, a sadistic yet charming half-human crime boss.
* * *
Is this clearer and easier to understand?
See lessAn experienced psychologist is accused of the murder of an innocent girl when his only un-treated patient discovers a talent for art, and creates a piece depicting the scene, 2 weeks before the murder. His whole career depends on proving his innocence, innocence he believes his patient is far from. (I will post a synopsis explaining details soon, i'm still going through development, these are the first ideas)
I would end the log line after the first sentence. The rest of the information isn't necessary for us to understand that his career and his freedom are on the line. Instead, I suggest reworking the first sentence to read something similar to "When an experienced psychologist's only un-treated patienRead more
I would end the log line after the first sentence. The rest of the information isn’t necessary for us to understand that his career and his freedom are on the line. Instead, I suggest reworking the first sentence to read something similar to “When an experienced psychologist’s only un-treated patient predicts a murder through a new art piece, the psychologist must race to prove his innocence and the patient’s guilt.” This condenses all of the same information into a compact and more dramatic format. You could also add in a time constraint–the two weeks, perhaps–where I have “must race” since he would probably want to save the murder victim.
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