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Expelled bad-boy student James is accepted at a prestigious high-school, only to learn his teachers are blood-sacrificing devil-worshippers with an eye for troubled pupils.
woobot, I think you need to add what happens if the nerdy altar boy doesn't lead his fellow students to overcome the devil worshippers. What are the stakes? Will the school blow up? Will it be the end of the world? Will Satan possess all on the earth and have everyone kill each other?
woobot, I think you need to add what happens if the nerdy altar boy doesn’t lead his fellow students to overcome the devil worshippers. What are the stakes? Will the school blow up? Will it be the end of the world? Will Satan possess all on the earth and have everyone kill each other?
See lessA self-focused haematologist battles thousands of enemies to reach her boyfriend and save their relationship after learning he plans to dump her when he returns from a week long live-action role-playing tournament.
Hi Nic, when i first look at the logline it's a little confusing but I think the elements are all here. You have the protagonist. A self-focused haemaologist. I assume you have picked a haematologist because there may be some bloodletting during the LARP? :-) Self focused meaning selfish - nice flawRead more
Hi Nic, when i first look at the logline it’s a little confusing but I think the elements are all here.
You have the protagonist. A self-focused haemaologist. I assume you have picked a haematologist because there may be some bloodletting during the LARP? 🙂 Self focused meaning selfish – nice flaw.
You have the compelling action/goal/story. “Battles thousands of enemies to reach her boyfriend and save their relationship.” You could be more specific here – maybe she needs to prove that she can work with other people, actually be caring of others? Perhaps she needs to join a team and win the competition to prove to her boyfriend she’s not so selfish?
My main issue is the inciting incident which would be – “after intercepting an email detailing his intention to dump her when he returns from a week long live-action role-playing tournament.”
I think an inciting incident needs to be something that happens to the protagonist rather than something that the protagonist does. So rather than having the protagonist intercept an email to discover she’s going to get dumped maybe the boyfriend makes it clear to her that he’s dumping her and needs to move her stuff out of her apartment?
Maybe something along these lines:
See lessWhen her LARP obsessed boyfriend gives her a week to vacate his apartment and his life, a selfish haematologist will need to join the LARP to battle thousands of enemies and show that she cares about him to get him back.
Expelled bad-boy student James is accepted at a prestigious high-school, only to learn his teachers are blood-sacrificing devil-worshippers with an eye for troubled pupils.
Hi woobot. No need to use the name of a character in a logline. Sounds like you have the start of a concept but not the story or the stakes. What is the major compelling goal/action that the bad-boy student needs to achieve? What will happen if he doesn't achieve his goal?
Hi woobot. No need to use the name of a character in a logline. Sounds like you have the start of a concept but not the story or the stakes. What is the major compelling goal/action that the bad-boy student needs to achieve? What will happen if he doesn’t achieve his goal?
See less