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Two California girls must cooperate and stop a psychotic cat lady from releasing the big cats from their cages and terrorizing the school kids and the entire zoo.
Hi RallGamm97 I find the logline as it is written a little bit confusing. Where are the cats coming from and who are the kids? Is there a school right next to the zoo? Why do only the kids and the zoo get terrorised when she releases them? Is she a zookeeper? Also, California girls is a vague descriRead more
Hi RallGamm97
I find the logline as it is written a little bit confusing. Where are the cats coming from and who are the kids? Is there a school right next to the zoo? Why do only the kids and the zoo get terrorised when she releases them? Is she a zookeeper? Also, California girls is a vague description to me, and we get from the rest of the logline that they have to cooperate. Maybe try to distill this one down to the three major elements of a logline: “Protagonist +. Struggle with Antagonist + Death Stakes (literal or metaphorical).”
For example: “Two quarrelling girls must stop a psychotic zoo keeper from unleashing the vicious great cats close to a ground school.”
Hope the helps
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Asked to help the New York City police identify a body, a geneticist believes they’ve found a Neanderthal, but when she tries to confirm her results she’s hindered at every step by her university and an influential but secretive agency.
Hi byron79, Sounds like an interesting science thriller to me, if that is what you actually aimed for. The only thing missing in this logline I think is some indication as to why the geneticist has such a burning desire to fight her employer and take on a secret agency. Is she really this desperateRead more
Hi byron79,
Sounds like an interesting science thriller to me, if that is what you actually aimed for. The only thing missing in this logline I think is some indication as to why the geneticist has such a burning desire to fight her employer and take on a secret agency. Is she really this desperate to make a name for herself, or is it somehow personal? That would make the logline even more appealing I think.
Cheers,
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A record producer must do a makeover for a ugly duckling teenage girl who was bullied and ostracized by her friends to turn her into an attractive overnight pop sensation.
Hi tony18, While you have a clearly defined goal for your protagonist and a big conflict here, I see several areas of improvement: 1. "A record producer" is not very descriptive. This is an excellent opportunity to give our hero a modifier that will create a nice juxtaposition to enrich the conflictRead more
Hi tony18,
While you have a clearly defined goal for your protagonist and a big conflict here, I see several areas of improvement:
1. “A record producer” is not very descriptive. This is an excellent opportunity to give our hero a modifier that will create a nice juxtaposition to enrich the conflict and clarify the stakes, a.k.a. the tangible consequences for the hero and why we would care. For example, consider making him weary, rundown, or overly critical…something that hints toward why the goal is especially hard for this character to attain / how he’s ill-equipped in some way in the beginning of the story to achieve his goal.
2. The conflict itself revolves around the time-span, and while one day is short, would that goal be even realistic for the record producer to achieve if the girl has no talent? I guess not, so I assume she has mad talent and the attempt to “doll her up” doesn’t seem very compelling nor very formidable an obstacle to me to fill a feature lengths screenplay.
3. The stakes should be made very clear. Why is it so important to the record producer to achieve this goal, and why is it important to the girl? Is the record-producer about to go broke? Is it the daughter of some woman he’s madly in love with and this is the only way to win her heart? You get the idea. When they fail to make the girl shine, there must be terrible consequences attached to at least one, if not either party for an audience to care.
Hope this helps and good luck,
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