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  1. Posted: November 7, 2013In: Public

    A no-nonsense matriarch helps her estranged husband beat his alcohol addiction and repair their marriage for the sake of her son's sanity, after he invites a homeless boy – who thinks he is Peter Pan – to live with them.

    wlubake
    Added an answer on November 8, 2013 at 6:32 am

    I'd also ask who invites the homeless boy into the house? Is it the son or the father? Your logline also appears set up for the mother to be the protagonist, though she seems to have the least to do in the story.

    I’d also ask who invites the homeless boy into the house? Is it the son or the father? Your logline also appears set up for the mother to be the protagonist, though she seems to have the least to do in the story.

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  2. Posted: October 31, 2013In: Public

    An diligent scientist on his last routin mission in space before return home to his beloved daughter, Goes out of his way to save an familiar but mysterious woman from getting killed by here own people.

    wlubake
    Added an answer on October 31, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    Some thoughts: First, there are some grammar problems to sort out. A diligent scientist rather than an diligent scientist. Routine rather than routin. Returning home rather than return home. No comma after daughter. Don't capitalize Goes. A familiar rather than an familiar. I prefer commas setting oRead more

    Some thoughts: First, there are some grammar problems to sort out. A diligent scientist rather than an diligent scientist. Routine rather than routin. Returning home rather than return home. No comma after daughter. Don’t capitalize Goes. A familiar rather than an familiar. I prefer commas setting off “but mysterious”. Her own people rather than here own people.

    Just fixing the grammar, your logline becomes:

    A diligent scientist on his last routine mission in space before returning home to his beloved daughter goes out of his way to save a familiar, but mysterious, woman from getting killed by her own people.

    Now onto the conceptual issues. Knowing the scientist is diligent doesn’t really inform either going home to his daughter or saving this woman. I’d cut the adjective or replace it with something more relevant. Last mission is fine without routine (routine doesn’t add much). “goes out of his way” again doesn’t add much. I’d hope most film protagonists go out of their way to accomplish the goal of the film. Otherwise, what’s the point? We also need to know more about this mysterious woman. Why is she in danger? Is she alien? Otherwise, aren’t her own people also his own people?

    Taking a best stab with the information we have:

    A scientist on his last space mission before returning home to his family gets drawn into a deadly conflict when he saves a mysterious woman from getting killed by the other people in her space colony.

    Totally guessing on some of that, but hopefully it gives you an idea of what information I find important, and what type of information needs to be added to flesh out the concept in the logline.

    Good luck!

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  3. Posted: October 31, 2013In: Public

    In a future city where women are bought and sold, the last married man on Earth takes on the city?s annual, gladiatorial game to win the ultimate grand prize: his wife.

    wlubake
    Added an answer on October 31, 2013 at 2:02 pm

    Getting really close with this, I feel. A few minor notes. First, by saying "in a future city where", it suggests that the rest of the world isn't trading in women. Just the city. Thus, to escape this terrible environment, all he has to do is move a few miles away. I think what you mean is, "In a fuRead more

    Getting really close with this, I feel. A few minor notes. First, by saying “in a future city where”, it suggests that the rest of the world isn’t trading in women. Just the city. Thus, to escape this terrible environment, all he has to do is move a few miles away. I think what you mean is, “In a future where women are bought and sold”. Also, I feel like the phrase “last married man on Earth” does little to add to our intrigue in the character. Here’s the hook: a man fighting in a gladiatorial game to win his wife back. I don’t think that is elevated by him being the last married man on earth. Final note, you don’t need the comma between annual and gladiatorial. Annual describes “gladiatorial games” rather than just games.

    Therefore, my final suggested logline would be: “In a future where women are bought and sold, a desperate man takes on his city’s annual gladiatorial game to win the ultimate prize: his wife.”

    Good work and good luck.

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