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  1. Posted: October 30, 2013In: Public

    Attending what they believe to be a farewell party, a group of friends discover the host has been diagnosed with an incurable disease and plans to take his own life at the end of the night, unless they can convince him not to.

    wlubake
    Added an answer on October 30, 2013 at 7:58 am

    First off, there is weak protagonist identification here. "A group of friends" tells us little about the characters we should be rooting for to succeed. This might work in a slasher film, but probably not the best approach in a character piece. I'd focus on the leader of the group (the one you spendRead more

    First off, there is weak protagonist identification here. “A group of friends” tells us little about the characters we should be rooting for to succeed. This might work in a slasher film, but probably not the best approach in a character piece. I’d focus on the leader of the group (the one you spend the most time with, or the one with the most to lose if the host commits suicide) and build your logline around him/her. The stakes also seem pretty low here. The host has been diagnosed with an incurable (and presumably fatal) disease. What if they can’t convince him to commit suicide? He dies in a few weeks, anyway. You need to find a way to ramp up the stakes. Has he not told his family? Does he have important things left to do? This also sounds like a movie that is all talk. Maybe try to think of ways that can dramatize this more. Instead of having to “convince him”, maybe have them “stop him” or “prevent him”. At least then there is the opportunity for action. Good luck!

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  2. Posted: October 30, 2013In: Public

    ?A young lawyer?s world turns upside down when the woman he met as a freshman dies the day of their wedding. As a result, he must choose to live his current life which is a product of joint decisions or find the person he was just before he met her”

    wlubake
    Added an answer on October 30, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Interesting concept. I'd change "the woman he met as a freshman" to his "college sweetheart" or simply "fianc?". There is some relationship confusion. Maybe add emotion with calling her "the love of his life". Also, the fact that he is a lawyer does not seem to inform the concept or the troubles heRead more

    Interesting concept. I’d change “the woman he met as a freshman” to his “college sweetheart” or simply “fianc?”. There is some relationship confusion. Maybe add emotion with calling her “the love of his life”. Also, the fact that he is a lawyer does not seem to inform the concept or the troubles he will now face. I’d guess that you want to focus on the fact that he has always planned his life based upon this relationship. We need a job or adjective that really tells us why this protagonist is the PERFECT protag for your story. Finally, strive to cut it to one sentence. Focus on the necessary verbs, and build around that. You’ll find that there is some fluff there for cutting (i.e. – “world turns upside down”). Good luck!

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