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Following a high school reunion a man seeks forgiveness from a childhood sweetheart who he wronged 15 years prior. She however has plans for revenge and will stop at almost nothing to ruin his perfect life.
If I understood this correctly, I'm intrigued. I'm assuming she had put it behind her in one way or another (ie. that she buried the trauma in her subconscious; or even that she assumed, herself, that she had forgiven him and had moved on) until the feelings resurface upon seeing him. There's a lotRead more
If I understood this correctly, I’m intrigued.
I’m assuming she had put it behind her in one way or another (ie. that she buried the trauma in her subconscious; or even that she assumed, herself, that she had forgiven him and had moved on) until the feelings resurface upon seeing him.
There’s a lot of potential there.
Formatting-wise, don’t forget your commas.
“Following a high school reunion, a man seeks forgiveness from a childhood sweetheart who he wronged fifteen years prior. She, however, has plans for revenge, and will stop at almost nothing to ruin his perfect life.”
Punctuation doesn’t add to the word count, and it helps with the ebb and flow of the read.
Even with the commas, it still doesn’t read as smoothly as it could; and unfortunately I don’t think it’s a matter of dropping a word or two in order to achieve that rhythmic, poetic flow that makes a logline beautiful.
Mind if I try?
“Faced with a blast from his past at his high school reunion, an opportunistic man seeks forgiveness from his former girlfriend, but inadvertently sparks a revenge plot in her that could ruin him.” (33 words)
This is if the man is the MC.
If the woman is the MC, I could see it reading something like this:
“After a brief encounter at their high school reunion, a woman spurned releases a level of hell’s fury with the aim to ruin her ex-boyfriend and everything he holds dear.” (30 words)
Truthfully, I don’t think either of my versions remain close enough to the original spirit of your logline, but hopefully (maybe?) you get a sense of rhythm and flow from them that you can try to emulate, should you attempt another draft?
At any rate, kudos for the story concept.
See lessI now see this was posted in 2014. I hope you were able to do something great with the script.
A grieving mother’s reunion with her family turns into a terrifying escape when her father’s debt launches a police hunt and she must run for the crimes she has committed.
I wish I could simply edit my previous post. What I want to change is this: "...what is her ultimate goal, and how is she meant to achieve it?" are not questions for which you owe answers to me or to anyone else at this stage. At most, you owe it to yourself. How that should read, more simply, is "fRead more
I wish I could simply edit my previous post.
See lessWhat I want to change is this: “…what is her ultimate goal, and how is she meant to achieve it?” are not questions for which you owe answers to me or to anyone else at this stage. At most, you owe it to yourself. How that should read, more simply, is “for your next draft, consider what her ultimate goal is, and how she is meant to achieve it.”
A grieving mother’s reunion with her family turns into a terrifying escape when her father’s debt launches a police hunt and she must run for the crimes she has committed.
This sounds promising, but also unintentionally narrow. If I weren't to assume anything else about this story, I could tell it in about five pages: A woman is upset about something (that will be addressed later – carefully, to avoid blatant exposition), and turns to her family for comfort. Her fatheRead more
This sounds promising, but also unintentionally narrow. If I weren’t to assume anything else about this story, I could tell it in about five pages: A woman is upset about something (that will be addressed later – carefully, to avoid blatant exposition), and turns to her family for comfort. Her father’s financial and legal issues (coincidentally) collide with her own when the police come to issue a warrant, and recognize her as the person of interest in another case. Panicked, she resists arrest (could be a fun “fight” scene), and either flees, is captured and arrested, or tragically killed in the scuffle.
Is this the entire story, or just up to the inciting incident?
Whether a short or a feature, what is her ultimate goal, and how is she meant to achieve it?
I hope to read your next logline draft.
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