1. Posted: April 28, 2016In:

    When a superhero is infected with his engineered plague, her ex-boyfriend escapes from prison to steal from a military lab and create a cure before the woman he loves dies in three days.

    CMathias Logliner

    It's of course interesting that it would be some normal guy rather than the superhero who's in focus here, but that may just be a false interpretation of the logline. Maybe it would help to clarify if the ex-boyfriend is an evil mastermind or just a normal person. Could you get rid of the ex-boyfrieRead more

    It’s of course interesting that it would be some normal guy rather than the superhero who’s in focus here, but that may just be a false interpretation of the logline. Maybe it would help to clarify if the ex-boyfriend is an evil mastermind or just a normal person. Could you get rid of the ex-boyfriend part? I mean, right now it doesn’t seem essential to me to know that he’s the ex-boyfriend.

    I am confused by the original and the revised logline – it’s unclear who created the plague (dpg’s comments clarified that for me, though 🙂

    Is the “three days” essential? It’s probably there to create a sense of urgency, but isn’t that implied in “before the woman he loves dies”?

    And where is the problem? If he engineered the plague, it shouldn’t be hard for him to find a cure (I know in real life that is not the case, but we are talking superhero movie here…), so I would assume the breaking out of jail and breaking into the military lab is the “hard part/conflict” which most of the movie will be about.

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  2. Posted: April 28, 2016In:

    A struggling novelist on a deadline takes a job as a obituary writer while he gets over his ex-wife and the deaths he writes about expose truths in his own life.

    CMathias Logliner

    Have to agree with Nir Shelter here: I don't see the story. What is the conflict? What is the "hook"? Is it essential that he gets over his ex-wife? Why should anyone care that he exposes truths about his own life? If it's comedy, doesn't sound like much fun to me right now - actually, the first timRead more

    Have to agree with Nir Shelter here: I don’t see the story. What is the conflict? What is the “hook”? Is it essential that he gets over his ex-wife? Why should anyone care that he exposes truths about his own life? If it’s comedy, doesn’t sound like much fun to me right now – actually, the first time I read it I thought “hm, another drama”. Can you extract why your story is hilarious and put that into the logline?

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  3. Posted: April 27, 2016In:

    When his estranged sister is found dead, a drug addicted private investigator teams up with an android police detective to solve the mystery why she ordered an AI to kill her.

    Best Answer
    CMathias Logliner

    Thanks all for your comments; really, I didn't expect such kind and insightful review! I'll give you some bits and pieces of my thought process here: I have written several screenplays already. A common thread in reader comments was "the concept is too weak". So, I'll turn it around this time. RatheRead more

    Thanks all for your comments; really, I didn’t expect such kind and insightful review! I’ll give you some bits and pieces of my thought process here:
    I have written several screenplays already. A common thread in reader comments was “the concept is too weak”. So, I’ll turn it around this time. Rather than building the story first and then building the logline, I’ll borrow a page from “Save the Cat!” and start with a rough? idea, then logline it and see if it excites people. And THEN flesh it out into a real story.

    Which should explain why my first and second logline differ so much (as t9ejane rightly pointed out). So, yes, the goal and theme are not yet completely formulated as I only have a vague idea right now. They are free to change while I nail down the perfect logline that excites people. I guess once the logline’s done I’ll know what the goal and theme will be. First logline didn’t excite people, so I need to change it fundamentally.

    As for the “drug-addicted” part, yes, that one I think is essential – androids don’t do drugs. It is one of the basic flaws of being human, so that should form a very essential part of a possible theme “which is better: machine or human?” Nir Shelter captured my thinking here quite well. Hower, I’ll try and avoid cliche (e.g. suicide of an addict, police doesn’t want to investigate, etc…) and turn it around: The police AI is dumbfounded about the whole case and teams up with the PI because he seems to be the only one who might be able to figure it out – logic is not enough. Of course, I’ll have to figure out some obstacles to throw in the PI’s way, but that’s details for now.

    I agree with dpg and Dkpough1 regarding “estranged” – that can go. It’ll probably be in the story but it is not essential for the logline.

    And yes, I assume asimov’s laws hold as dpg pointed out. But “override the AI’s programming…” already suggests too much of an explanation, I’d rather keep it mysterious, plus again I want to avoid cliche’.

    So, third iteration coming up shortly and again, a thousand thanks for your valuable input.

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