1. Posted: September 18, 2017In:

    When an orphaned dropout joins an off-grid commune to evade a hometown scandal, but secretly returns to claim an inheritance, he must fight off reporters and protestors who follow him and destroy his commune, which he must rebuild with his windfall.

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter

    I thought rebuilding the commune was the story. I think that highlights the previous comment. What is at the heart of the story.

    I thought rebuilding the commune was the story. I think that highlights the previous comment. What is at the heart of the story.

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  2. Posted: September 13, 2017In:

    A relief party of argonauts is assembled to reestablish correspondence with a gold claim in the mountains of California where a terrible beast sentinels a vast fortune.

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter

    This will sound harsh. The logline is about your story not about you. You can write the crap out of a sentence but I don't know exactly what the story is about.

    This will sound harsh. The logline is about your story not about you. You can write the crap out of a sentence but I don’t know exactly what the story is about.

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  3. Posted: August 4, 2017In:

    Terrified of his parents suspicions, a freshly outed gay high school senior must get a girlfriend so his parents will think he is straight.

    CraigDGriffiths Uberwriter

    Perhaps the "outing" adds confusion. Scared of his parents finding he is gay a high school senior must find a girl willing to go the prom with him. Leave the "outing" for the story. Nice story.

    Perhaps the “outing” adds confusion.

    Scared of his parents finding he is gay a high school senior must find a girl willing to go the prom with him.

    Leave the “outing” for the story.

    Nice story.

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