1. Posted: March 13, 2020In:

    In a future where the wealthy live above the smog in floating cities, a group of scavengers ? led by a buoyant teen ? make the seemingly impossible ascent from the barren earth below in search of essential supplies for their people.

    deborah_b Logliner

    I would watch this. :) I'm not sure how much worldbuilding you really need in your logline. How about something like: A rebellious teen leads a group of scavengers on a dangerous hunt for supplies in an elite city floating above the pollution of her planet. It emphasises your protagonist and her/hisRead more

    I would watch this. 🙂

    I’m not sure how much worldbuilding you really need in your logline. How about something like:

    A rebellious teen leads a group of scavengers on a dangerous hunt for supplies in an elite city floating above the pollution of her planet.

    It emphasises your protagonist and her/his goal + actions more, by placing that information first.

    I saw Matt Nix talking about pitching this week, and he emphasised getting to the bit of your story that everyone will relate to, no matter whether they’re interested in your world or not. A rebellious teen on a dangerous mission might incite the curiosity of more people than a floating city. You know? I mean, I don’t know WHY? Who doesn’t love a good floating city? But just in case …

    Nice work!

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  2. Posted: March 13, 2020In:

    When the town bully humiliates him, a mild-mannered cowboy sets out to reclaim his dignity, only to accidentally kill the man, and set off his violent outlaw family.

    deborah_b Logliner

    Nice concept. I wonder if you can minimise the clauses somehow. The number of commas made the story feel too slow. Something like: When a gentle cowboy sets out to reclaim his dignity against a local standover man, he accidentally commits murder and sets off the man's violent outlaw family. (27 wordRead more

    Nice concept.

    I wonder if you can minimise the clauses somehow. The number of commas made the story feel too slow. Something like:

    When a gentle cowboy sets out to reclaim his dignity against a local standover man, he accidentally commits murder and sets off the man’s violent outlaw family.

    (27 words)

    Or:

    When a peaceful cowboy accidentally kills a local standover man, he incites the man’s outlaw family into escalating acts of violence.

    (21 words)

    Agree with the previous comments on the use of the word ‘bully’. Also you’ll notice I played around with replacements for mild-mannered. Somehow mild-mannered doesn’t feel very Western genre, IMHO. More bank clerk or Jack Lemmon comedy (both good things!).

    Keep it up!

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  3. Posted: March 11, 2020In:

    A military veteran eagerly tries to start the next chapter of his life but runs into Murphy’s Law at pretty much every turn, testing his resiliency.

    deborah_b Logliner

    Your version 2.0 is way clearer and is definitely giving me a better vision of your story. The last clause (about the deceptive roommate) feels like it's a different beat to the rest, somehow. Maybe because a specific antagonist is included here, whereas the other challenges are less specific? So maRead more

    Your version 2.0 is way clearer and is definitely giving me a better vision of your story.

    The last clause (about the deceptive roommate) feels like it’s a different beat to the rest, somehow. Maybe because a specific antagonist is included here, whereas the other challenges are less specific?

    So maybe, as a suggestion, you can drill down to your protag’s goal and then expand out from there:

    A Vietnam vet fights to get his life in order while dealing with a corrupt welfare system and the deceptions of former friends.

    Mine example’s a bit lame, but hopefully you can see what I mean. With some brainstorming around what’s most prominent in your story for you, you’ll definitely get this thing in shape.

    Thanks for sharing your updates — love watching people brainstorm and re-work their concepts. Kudos.

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