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A lawsuit for his wife?s injury offers a homeless group leader a ticket out? until a member of his flock threatens to testify. Now he must resort to extreme measure to stop him.
"A prospective lawsuit for his wife?s serious injury offers a leader of small homeless group a sudden ticket out of homelessness. That is until a member of his flock threatens to testify against their case. How far is he willing to go to silence this newly found ?witness??" It would probably be bestRead more
“A prospective lawsuit for his wife?s serious injury offers a leader of small homeless group a sudden ticket out of homelessness. That is until a member of his flock threatens to testify against their case. How far is he willing to go to silence this newly found ?witness??”
See lessIt would probably be best to make another post with a revised logline. However, under 30 words, what the logline should be is an answer to “How far is he willing to go to silence this newly found ?witness??”
You shouldn’t ask a question in the logline. The logline is used to help you pitch your idea to someone who will be able to get it made.
As I said before in previous reviews: Whata is his goal, and how does he achieve it? That’s all you need in the logline, other than absolute essential exposition.
Example: When a homeless man’s wife is injured in a store, he sues them in the hope that he get enough money to pull themselves out of homelessness. (~27 words)
While not great, it does have a goal(to get out of homelessness) and his action(suing).
When an alien satellite causes all of Earth’s transmissions suddenly stop, a retired physicist must find a way to bring them back.
Going off of what Nir said and your own comment: When an alien satellite causes all of Earth's transmissions to stop, a retired physicist who can hear the communication signals the aliens use must decipher them in order to restore communication. Or something like that, just throwing ideas out there.
Going off of what Nir said and your own comment: When an alien satellite causes all of Earth’s transmissions to stop, a retired physicist who can hear the communication signals the aliens use must decipher them in order to restore communication.
See lessOr something like that, just throwing ideas out there.
A lawsuit for his wife?s injury offers a homeless group leader a ticket out? until a member of his flock threatens to testify. Now he must resort to extreme measure to stop him.
"Ben?s dream of having a home again is within his reach? But when he confronts a member of his homeless group in order to protect a woman he inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy." Take out the first part altogether. The main character is identified, but don't use names.Read more
“Ben?s dream of having a home again is within his reach? But when he confronts a member of his homeless group in order to protect a woman he inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy.”
See lessTake out the first part altogether.
The main character is identified, but don’t use names.
He has a goal, to not be homeless.
What action does he take to achieve his goal? You still have not given a specific answer to this question.
Besides, how is it that one homeless man confronting another(not specific enough because while it is implied, he could simply verbally confront him which would make less sense) homeless man “inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy”? Again, be specific.
So, basically, my suggestion is to cut out the first part, and replace “inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy” with a clear action he takes to not be homeless. Also, make sure the action is clearly connected to the inciting incident.