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(REVISED) When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.
"When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it."What is a telepathic phone? A phone that uses to telepathy to operate, a phone tRead more
“When an antisocial apocalypse ?prepper? is the only person in her small town uninfected by a virus transmitted through the trial of a ?telepathic phone?, she must stop preparing for the world?s end and start saving it.”
What is a telepathic phone? A phone that uses to telepathy to operate, a phone that allows people to communicate telepathically? Since this is not something we have, it needs to be explained. ?But why not just leave it out? It doesn’t add anything but an intrigue factor. It may be essential to the story, but it doesn’t seem to add much to the logline.
I’m not sure you need to include ‘antisocial’. A doomsday prepper suggests antisocial qualities.
You don’t mention a specific goal. Or a method for achieving her goal.
Example:?When a virus infects everyone in a small town except for an apocalypse prepper, she?must use her hoarded resources to stop the spread of the virus.?(~27 words)
My example has a goal: To stop the spread of the virus.?
See lessA method: By using the supplies she’s gathered.?
A con-artist uses a spy?s stolen dummy credit card to repay a debt, but, when it disables every online banking system in the world, together they must trace the virus to its source before it disappears.
"Another technical quibble: ??before the virus disappears? ? but that is, in effect, a solution to the problem!" Yes, I addressed this in my own review as well. Another thing that comes to mind how good of a spy is this guy if he gives up a card containing a virus-or any card at all-to a con-artist.Read more
“Another technical quibble: ??before the virus disappears? ? but that is, in effect, a solution to the problem!”
See lessYes, I addressed this in my own review as well. Another thing that comes to mind how good of a spy is this guy if he gives up a card containing a virus-or any card at all-to a con-artist. But that brings up more questions. Is that supposed to be his role? A not very good spy? But then why would he have the card? Does he know the card contains the virus?
I suppose these are not problems with the concept, but it just adds more questions to the logline.
One last comment: If the story were lighthearted or a comedy, then the incompetent spy would be a good angle to use. But it seems you’re going more serious. If the intended tone is more lighthearted than bleak, gritty drama-thriller, I suggest you change the logline to reflect that.
A con-artist uses a spy?s stolen dummy credit card to repay a debt, but, when it disables every online banking system in the world, together they must trace the virus to its source before it disappears.
"A con-artist uses a spy?s stolen dummy credit card to repay a debt, but, when it disables every online banking system in the world, together they must trace the virus to its source before it disappears." Example: After?accidentally unleashing a virus that disables all online banking, a con-artist mRead more
“A con-artist uses a spy?s stolen dummy credit card to repay a debt, but, when it disables every online banking system in the world, together they must trace the virus to its source before it disappears.”
Example: After?accidentally unleashing a virus that disables all online banking, a con-artist must team up with a spy in order to trace the virus before it goes into hibernation to?evolve. ?(~31 words)
The odd thing about yours is that it seems as though the MC has already lost. The virus has been released and done its purpose. So what are the stakes, why do they need to find the virus after it has disabled all banking? That’s why I added the evolution part in my example; if they don’t trace and stop the virus before it can evolve, then it will wreak even more havoc.
So, what is at stake in your story?
Also, in your version I think you focus too much on the fact that the credit card is stolen. Is that specific detail completely necessary for the logline? The inciting incident is the virus disabling banking.
“When a con-artist swindles a ?framed spy out of his dummy credit card to repay a debt, it suddenly disables every online banking system in the world. Together they must reverse the effect before ?patriotic spies and vindictive loan sharks hunt them down.”
This has the same situation as the other, meaning that it focuses too much on the theft and debt. What causes them to be hunted down? Why, because of the inciting incident, are they hunted? It seems like they would be in that situation regardless, whether the virus were released or not, because you say he has a debt to pay and the other has been framed.
See lessSo, what is their goal, and what action do they take to achieve it?