Show don’t tell. That advice is more important in film and television because a script should only describe things that are seen on screen or heard. Unless the first part is narration, how does that translate to a visual cue for a director to film? “Perpetually young”. Dead is a simpler way to say that. Otherwise it could cause confusion on whether it means eternal youth, as in living but never aging. The last part is once again telling and not showing. As a first line it doesn’t exactly make me interested.
The image of someone zipping up the body of a young soldier could create powerful and visually interesting imagery, but the description does too little in conveying that. Does the soldier have a specific look on his face in death? Is it fear, peace? Is his body mangled or is it still intact, fully displaying his youth? What about Ed? There’s no physical description of him at all. Is he kneeling on the ground in the middle of what was a a war zone? Is he hunched over a medical examination table? Does he look angry, sad? This line does the bare minimum in creating a visual image by only describing an action. No setting, no context to the scene.
Not only that, but it doesn’t seem like the line is in present tense. Sense I am assuming this is a screenplay and not prose, it should be “zips”, not “zippered”. “Will” not would.