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When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist 10 years after they told him she was murdered, a nostalgic assassin seeks to join forces with her to unravel the depths of the company?s deception.
Logline:? "When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist 10 years after they told him she was murdered, a nostalgic assassin seeks to join forces with her to unravel the depths of the company?s deception." (34 words)Protagonist: " a nostalgic assassin" ---> Okay. Consider using an adjectiveRead more
Logline:? “When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist 10 years after they told him she was murdered, a nostalgic assassin seeks to join forces with her to unravel the depths of the company?s deception.” (34 words)
Protagonist: ” a nostalgic assassin” —> Okay. Consider using an adjective which hints at character arc.
Antagonist: “company” —> Okay.
Inciting incident: “When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist 10 years after they told him she was murdered” —> I don’t think, as written, this event shares the causal relationship an inciting incident should have with the goal. If the inciting incident is that his wife(presumed dead or not) has been targeted for a hit, then I would think that the goal would be to protect her, or carry out the hit himself. But the goal seems to be to investigate. I understand what you’re going for, but to me, as written, the event doesn’t share that relationship with the stated goal.
Essentially, the goal seems to be investigating(at least that’s what I think “unravel the depths of the company?s deception” means) but the inciting incident doesn’t present?the mystery. It presents?a mystery, but not the one that is the main conflict.
Goal: ” seeks to join forces with her to unravel the depths of the company?s deception” —> This is unclear. What exactly are they looking for? She’s alive, that was the deception. The logline does not clearly describe what they are trying to unravel.
See less->Climax: Reading the logline, I can’t exactly determine what the climax would be. As I mentioned before, saying “When his wife appears on his organisation?s hitlist” means that the inciting incident is that is wife is being targeted, and to me, an?inevitable outcome of that would be either he protects her from antagonists, or he tries to kill her himself.
When a pirate, a princess, and an outlander discover that their crystal necklaces have magical powers, the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world from darkness.
This is an improvement, but it still suffers from some of the same problems, and new problems as the previous version Logline: "When a pirate, a princess, and an outlander discover that their crystal necklaces have magical powers, the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world froRead more
This is an improvement, but it still suffers from some of the same problems, and new problems as the previous version
Logline: “When a pirate, a princess, and an outlander discover that their crystal necklaces have magical powers, the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world from darkness.” (31 words)
Inciting incident: “When a pirate, a princess, and an outlander discover that their crystal necklaces have magical powers,” —> This sounds like an inciting incident, but it seems to me it’s more like what I refer to as the ‘Catalyst’. The ‘Catalyst’ is the event before the inciting incident which introduces the protagonist to their new world and the conflict, but it does not force them into it. The discovery of the necklace’s powers doesn’t force them into any conflict. They could choose to do anything. They could rob banks. They could get revenge. They could become supervilllians/heroes. But the inciting incident should be tailor-made for the specific conflict. The specific event is likely when the antagonist(s) attacks at first.
For example, think of Star Wars. The inciting incident may seem like the moment when Luke discovers the message from Princess Leia, but this doesn’t event doesn’t?force?him into the conflict. He just becomes aware of it, and then seeks out Ben Kenobi, making this event part of the Catalyst. The inciting incident comes when Luke, after being urged by Ben Kenobi to learn to use the Force, returns home to find that Stormtroopers have killed his family. It’s at that moment when decides to leave home, he even says it: “I want to come with you to Alderaan. There is nothing here for me now. I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father.”(emphasis mine)
So, to break it down:
Inciting incident: Luke’s family killed by Empire. —>?This inciting incident forces Luke into a conflict with the Empire, and only?the Empire.
Goal: Help Rebellion destroy Empire(more specifically, destroy Empire’s Death Star.) —> A specific objective, which is still a part of the conflict with the Empire.
Climax: Rebellion’s battle to destroy Death Star.
Protagonist: “a pirate, a princess, and an outlander ” —> Feedback hasn’t changed from previous version.
Goal: “the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world from darkness.” —> This does not describe an objective. A logline should describe? specific objective. Look above at the Star Wars example, and also refer back to previous version.
Antagonist: Unclear. —> The logline implies that there is an antagonist, but it doesn’t not imply who, because “the three women go on an adventure that leads to saving the world from darkness.” does not imply a specific character working against them, because this is a vague statement that is not visually descriptive.
I think Richiev’s version is an improvement, and provides a good framework to use for a revision.
See lessThe coming-of-age stories of a swashbuckling pirate, a rebellious princess, and an adventuring cuisinier.
Please read through the formula tab at the top of the page, and also read through the loglines other people have posted and read through the feedback they receive. Doing this will help you to understand the format and elements of a logline. Logline: "The coming-of-age stories of a swashbuckling piraRead more
Please read through the formula tab at the top of the page, and also read through the loglines other people have posted and read through the feedback they receive. Doing this will help you to understand the format and elements of a logline.
Logline: “The coming-of-age stories of a swashbuckling pirate, a rebellious princess, and an adventuring cuisinier.” (14 words)
This attempt lacks many of the elements a logline should describe.
Is this for a film or television series?
Inciting incident: None described. —> Should describe the event in the story which forces the protagonist into the main conflict.
Example(Finding Nemo): Marlin’s son, Nemo is? captured.
Protagonist: “swashbuckling pirate, a rebellious princess, and an adventuring cuisinier.” —> If this is a film, is there one character who gets focused on more? If it’s a television series, is there a character who gets focused on more in the first episode?
Example: Marlin is the clear protagonist of “Finding Nemo”. Not Dory or any other character. Marlin is the one pursuing the objective goal which drives the story.
Goal: None described. —> Because of the inciting incident, what must the protagonist set out to accomplish?? What is the climax of the story? The goal should be the objective of what will be accomplished at that point.
Example: Marlin must find his son Nemo.
The climax of the story should be an inevitable outcome which comes about because of the inciting incident. The goal should have a causal relationship with the inciting incident. Taking a look at “Finding Nemo”:
Inciting incident: Nemo is captured.
Protagonist’s Goal: Find Nemo.
Climax: Marlin is reunited with his son.
Antagonist: None described/implied. —> Is there a specific character/group who opposes the protagonist?
See less