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In 2161 time travel is common place, but highly regulated, when he?s shot, a cutthroat businessman?s consciousness is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract.
"In 2161 time travel is common place, but highly regulated, when he?s shot, a cutthroat businessman?s consciousness is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract." (44 words) This versiRead more
“In 2161 time travel is common place, but highly regulated, when he?s shot, a cutthroat businessman?s consciousness is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract.” (44 words)
This version includes a bit too much background, making it too long. I suggest taking the previous version, “A cutthroat businessman is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his murder in 7 days.” and adding a few adjectives and the inciting incident which will help.
First, a breakdown:
Inciting incident: “when he?s shot,” —> This is a good inciting incident, it’s simple. But I’m not sure it’s the correct one. If the goal is to to prevent his murder by traveling back in time, then I suggest that his company sending him back in time is the inciting incident.
Protagonist: “a cutthroat businessman?” —> Good.
Goal: ” to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract.” —> Why does his company send him back? What must he accomplish by preventing his murder? I think that would be the more suitable goal. It’s good to include the stakes of what happens if he doesn’t accomplish his goal, but what is really the point of sending him back?
For example:?After his struggling company sends his consciousness back in time, a cutthroat businessman must kill their top competitor to prevent her from securing a multi-billion dollar contract or else be executed. (31 words)
When you mentioned sending his consciousness back in time, it reminds me of “X-Men: Days of Future Past”(2014).
See lessA special unit must survive against civilians that have turned into flesh-eating demons on a moving train that was hit by a strange meteor and get to the engine room before it crashes.
I think Richiev's suggestion addresses and fixes the things I would comment on, but it's a bit long at 36 words.? So I think his version is a great framework to use to trim and rework for revisions.Anyway, I'll address all of the elements of the original logline specifically with a breakdown:"A specRead more
I think Richiev’s suggestion addresses and fixes the things I would comment on, but it’s a bit long at 36 words.? So I think his version is a great framework to use to trim and rework for revisions.
Anyway, I’ll address all of the elements of the original logline specifically with a breakdown:
“A special unit fights against civilians that have turned into flesh-eating demons on a moving train that was hit by a strange meteor.” (23 words)
Inciting incident: “civilians that have turned into flesh-eating demons on a moving train that was hit by a strange meteor” —> For loglines the format we suggest is to put the inciting incident at the beginning. This is a bit long, and for the purposes of the logline,?how they change into demons isn’t necessary. The inciting incident is that they do.
Protagonist: “A special unit” —> As Richiev mentioned, consider describing one main character in the logline. Is there a character who goes through the most character development? Or one with the most to lose?
Goal: ” fights against civilians” —> This does not describe an objective. Think of the goal in terms of the climax; think of the climax as an?inevitable?outcome due to the inciting incident. If the inciting incident is that Brian Mills’ daughter is? kidnapped, the climax will be the the last confrontation between Mills and the kidnappers, the deciding battle of whether the daughter is rescued or not. So for your story:
Inciting incident: Train passengers turn into flesh-eating demons.
Climax: Protagonist faces demons(possibly the strongest, most distinguished of the demons, in other words, a main antagonist) and tries to defeat demons.
Antagonist: ” civilians that have turned into flesh-eating demons” —> Good.
Working off of Richiev’s version: a suggested edit: After a train’s passengers turn into flesh-eating demons, a federal agent must lead a ragtag group of survivors to the train’s engine so they can take control and escape. (29 words)
Overall, this concept sounds like a simple, solid idea for a horror film.
See lessWhen jealous masses stop buying lottery tickets after a naive numbers geek viral week-long jackpot winning spree, she must prove her prediction gift to world and a criminal lottery boss who wants her dead.
"When jealous masses stop buying lottery tickets after a naive numbers geek viral week-long jackpot winning spree, she must prove her prediction gift to world and a criminal lottery boss who wants her dead." (34 words) Inciting incident: "When jealous masses stop buying lottery tickets after a naiveRead more
“When jealous masses stop buying lottery tickets after a naive numbers geek viral week-long jackpot winning spree, she must prove her prediction gift to world and a criminal lottery boss who wants her dead.” (34 words)
Inciting incident: “When jealous masses stop buying lottery tickets after a naive numbers geek viral week-long jackpot winning spree” —> How does this force her to do anything? If people stop buying lotto tickets, then it doesn’t affect the protagonist at all. I’ve mentioned on previous versions, the inciting incident should be the moment she’s forced into the main conflict, and from that the climax of the story should be inevitable.
Protagonist: ” a naive numbers geek” —> Could be reworded.
Goal: “she must prove her prediction gift to world and a criminal lottery boss who wants her dead.” —> Why does she need to prove anything?
Antagonist: “world and a criminal lottery boss” —> How are they antagonists? What are they opposing? An antagonist is someone who?opposes the protagonist, their goal is to prevent the protagonist’s goal. Why would they even try to stop the protagonist from proving her prediction power? How? The only conflict presented in the logline is that the crime boss wants the protagonist dead, but the logline does not give any information about why.
In order to help, examine your story answer these questions:
What is the main conflict of the story?
What is the climax of the story?
What event forces the protagonist into the conflict? This event should affect the protagonist, it is a tailor-made event which forces her, and?only the protagonist into pursuing her goal.
For example, Walter White gets cancer. (https://loglines.org/logline/breaking-bad-a-terminal-diagnosis-leads-a-cash-strapped-loving-father-to-the-hostile-world-of-illicit-drug-manufacture-and-its-deadly-associations/)
In “Finding Nemo”,? Nemo is kidnapped; thus his father?must find him. (https://loglines.org/logline/finding-nemowhen-a-boy-gets-kidnaped-an-overprotective-single-father-embarks-on-a-dangerous-adventure-through-the-foreign-ocean-to-reunite-with-him-written-by-julia/)
In other words, I suggest looking through other people’s loglines, the feedback they receive, and trying to review their posts.
See less