Have an account? Sign In Now
Lost your password? Please enter your email address. You will receive a link and will create a new password via email.
Please briefly explain why you feel this question should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this answer should be reported.
Please briefly explain why you feel this user should be reported.
In 2161 time travel is common place, but highly regulated, when he?s shot, a cutthroat businessman?s consciousness is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract.
"A cutthroat businessman is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his murder in 7 days." (20 words) Inciting incident: None described ---> I think this logline would benefit from an inciting incident. Why does he need to prevent his own murder? I think including the incitingRead more
“A cutthroat businessman is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his murder in 7 days.” (20 words)
Inciting incident: None described —> I think this logline would benefit from an inciting incident. Why does he need to prevent his own murder? I think including the inciting incident would help give this context. As a general rule, I believe most loglines should describe an inciting incident, but the only ones which can get away without are romance and drama loglines. Action, fantasy, sci-fi, etc should describe an inciting incident to help give a reason why the protagonist pursuing their goal.
Protagonist: “A cutthroat businessman” —> Good. But, if the character has a an arc, you may want to use an adjective which helps to imply that arc.
Goal: “is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his murder in 7 days.” —> I mentioned the lack of context above. What catches my eye is ‘life insurance company’. I know it’s a labeled as ‘SciFi’, but this is something that stands out; as far as I know, along with most people, we don’t think or believe that life insurance companies have time machines. I suggest either using an adjective, or changing it to generic term.
Antagonist: Implied to be murderer —> Okay.
Overall, I think this attempt needs a little tweak, and should have an inciting incident added, but overall it’s good.
See lessThe question I have, is this the ‘A’ story? Above, it sounds like the main conflict is trying to fix the deal, but in this version it’s trying to prevent his murder. What do you consider to be the climax of your story? Is it when he faces the person/group who murder him? Or is when he is about secure the agreement?
When an altruistic math geek finds her loved ones in financial hardship, she must use her newly-found ability of lottery prediction to turn their lives around risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits.
"When an altruistic math geek finds her loved ones in financial hardship, she must use her newly-found ability of lottery prediction to turn their lives around risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits." (43 words)Inciting incident: "When an alRead more
“When an altruistic math geek finds her loved ones in financial hardship, she must use her newly-found ability of lottery prediction to turn their lives around risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits.” (43 words)
Inciting incident: “When an altruistic math geek finds her loved ones in financial hardship” —> The inciting incident should describe a clear, single event. What does this mean? Are they are friends, or family? Did someone lose their house? Car? This is too vague.
Protagonist: “an altruistic math geek” —> Okay. It would be better if you used an adjective which described a flaw, hinting at an arc. Also it would be better to try to trim.
Goal: “she must use her newly-found ability of lottery prediction to turn their lives around risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits” —> This describes two goals. Both of which are vague. The first goal is that she tries to “turn their lives around”. What does that mean? Does she write them a check? Get them into a rehab program?
Then: ” risking her own as a mysterious criminal lottery boss wants her dead for ruining his superprofits” implies that she must survive someone attacking her. This is 1) vague, and 2) passive.
https://thewritepractice.com/inciting-incident/
In order to find the correct inciting incident/goal, take a look at the climax of your story. The climax should be an?inevitable outcome resulting from the inciting incident. So, if the inciting incident is that she finds out her family needs her help, her goal should?only be to help her family. If the inciting incident is her getting attacked by the criminal boss, then her?only goal should be to defeat him.
See lessPersonally, it sounds like the real goal of the story is the crime boss storyline. The ‘B’ story is helping her family. The real story is that a woman has the ability to game the lottery, and she’s been found out. Now someone’s after her.
A body filled with different personalities, whom are struggling to deal with their own problems whilst trying to protect the woman in their group from the judging nature of todays society.
"A body filled with different personalities, whom are struggling to deal with their own problems whilst trying to protect the woman in their group from the judging nature of todays society." (31 words) Here's my breakdown: Inciting incident: None described in logline. https://thewritepractice.com/inRead more
“A body filled with different personalities, whom are struggling to deal with their own problems whilst trying to protect the woman in their group from the judging nature of todays society.” (31 words)
Here’s my breakdown:
Inciting incident: None described in logline.
https://thewritepractice.com/inciting-incident/?—–> I suggest taking a look at this link.
Protagonist: “A body filled with different personalities,” —-> Confusing. Like Richiev mentioned, describe the protagonist with the condition, not the condition. Such as “a woman with dis associative identity disorder” or even “a woman with multiple personalities”
Goal: “trying to protect the woman in their group from the judging nature of todays society.” —-> Does not describe a clear, objective goal. How do you protect someone from “the judging nature of today’s society”?
Antagonist: “today’s society” —-> Is there a specific character/group?
I suggest looking through the formula tab, and other logline posts and the feedback they receive. This logline is unclear, and lacks elements.
See less