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When society devolves into chaos after the electric grid collapses, an immoral celebrity survivalist leads a group of defrauded fans to defend his remote compound from a ruthless gang of killers who are out to kill him and his family.
"An immoral celebrity survivalist must convince a group of his defrauded fans to defend his remote compound from a ruthless gang of killers after the electric grid collapses and society devolves into chaos." (33 words) and "When society devolves into chaos after the electric grid collapses, an immorRead more
“An immoral celebrity survivalist must convince a group of his defrauded fans to defend his remote compound from a ruthless gang of killers after the electric grid collapses and society devolves into chaos.” (33 words)
and
“When society devolves into chaos after the electric grid collapses, an immoral celebrity survivalist leads a group of defrauded fans to defend his remote compound from a ruthless gang of killers who are out to kill him and his family.” (40 words)
I think the goal and inciting incident lack a causal relationship. It seems like there’s a step missing, between the event described and the cause of forming the goal. You could easily change the goal to many different things. Change “defend his remote compound from a ruthless gang of killers who are out to kill him and his family.” to “reach destination.” It still works. That’s not how an inciting incident should work.
If you take a look at this:?https://www.keepwriting.com/tsc/magnificent7plotpoints.htm
It defines two terms: ‘Catalyst’ and ‘Big Event’. The ‘Catalyst’ is similar to what we refer to as the inciting incident, but it’s not the event which forces the protagonist? into the main conflict. If you examine these plot points, the event which we refer to as inciting incident should be what the ‘Big Event’ is.
In fact, I think this link:?https://thewritepractice.com/inciting-incident/?describes it better.
Looking at your attempt,
Inciting incident: “When society devolves into chaos after the electric grid collapses”
Climax: Showdown between gang and protagonist. —-> Huh? How is this an inevitable outcome from the inciting incident? So, what you’ve described above is the ‘Catalyst’.
To fix this, you must find a way to work in the background of the society’s situation. Does the gang cause the electric grid to collapse? Also, the goal described in the logline should define an ending. “defend his compound” could go on until he dies. Defend it?until? what?
After the gang that collapsed the electric grid raids his home, an immoral celebrity survivalist must lead a group of fans to defend his remote compound and defeat the attackers. (30 words).
See lessIn 2161 time travel is common place, but highly regulated, when he?s shot, a cutthroat businessman?s consciousness is sent back in time by his life insurance company to prevent his upcoming murder, without disrupting the timeline too much or his provider cancels his contract.
"When he?s killed, a cut throat businessman is sent back in time 7 days by his company to prevent his murder, but must preserve the agreement he secured for his firm, that may have gotten him killed, or the deal is off." (42 words)Inciting incident: "When he?s killed, a cut throat businessman is senRead more
“When he?s killed, a cut throat businessman is sent back in time 7 days by his company to prevent his murder, but must preserve the agreement he secured for his firm, that may have gotten him killed, or the deal is off.” (42 words)
Inciting incident: “When he?s killed, a cut throat businessman is sent back in time 7 days by his company to prevent his murder” —>I am a bit confused. If he’s already dead, how can they send him back? But anyway, the inciting incident doesn’t seem to be when he’s killed, it’s when his company comes to him to send him back. This part can definitely be reworked to for clarification. From mikepedley85’s review, it sounds as if there was a previous version of this logline which was edited. I think the phrasing of his example works much better.
Protagonist: ” a cut throat businessman” —-> I believe ‘cut throat’ is one word, at least in the way you’re using it. Otherwise, this is okay.
Goal: “must preserve the agreement he secured for his firm, that may have gotten him killed, or the deal is off.” —-> The logline seems to put too much attention on the protagonist trying to stay alive. It looks to me like the reason for him to continue and pursue his goal is because he doesn’t want to die, but those are just the stakes. His objective, the goal of the story is described as “must preserve the agreement he secured for his firm,”. Now, the problem with that is that it is a bit confusing. If he already made the agreement, why does he need to preserve it? If this is the goal, then doesn’t that mean that the inciting incident?should be the whatever happens to the agreement?
Think about it this way. The goal: “must preserve the agreement he secured for his firm,”. Why must he pursue this goal: Because he’s killed and his company sends him back in time.
I think it lacks a causal relationship. It seems very close, as if the logline describes an event that is close to the inciting incident, but I’m not sure it’s the actual one. The logline answers why he’s?sent back in time, not?why he must preserve the deal.?In this logline, the goal described could be switched out for anything. He could save someone else from being murdered, go to murder someone else, etc.
Here’s an example: After his milestone arms deal falls through, a ruthless businessman must be sent back in time to secure the agreement for his firm.?(23 words).
I know, I cut out a lot. But to me, that seems to be story in it’s simplest terms. (obviously I made up some of the stuff, such as ‘arms deal’.
See lessAn ambitious app developer must work at his late father?s winery before he can inherit it and cash out for the money he needs to stop a megalomaniac venture capitalist from stealing his latest app.
"A money hungry app developer must work at his late father?s winery before he can cash out and stop a megalomaniac venture capitalist from stealing his latest app." (29 words)In your post you provide a breakdown of the elements. But the logline itself does not necessarily contain all of those elemenRead more
“A money hungry app developer must work at his late father?s winery before he can cash out and stop a megalomaniac venture capitalist from stealing his latest app.” (29 words)
In your post you provide a breakdown of the elements. But the logline itself does not necessarily contain all of those elements:
Inciting incident: The logline does not describe one. You mention “father’s death” in your post, but this logline does not even include that specific event. It does mention “late father” but that does not equal “father’s death”. And looking at the logline, the death of the father isn’t the inciting incident. It seems likely that it’s when he discovers the antagonist trying to steal his app.
Protagonist: “A money hungry app developer ” —-> Perhaps use ‘greedy’ or ‘ambitious’ instead of “money hungry”. In other words, try to use a one-word adjective.
Goal: “must work at his late father?s winery before he can cash out and stop a megalomaniac venture capitalist from stealing his latest app.” —->? It sounds like the stuff with the winery is just an event that occurs in the story, it may not be necessary to include in the logline. It seems the goal of the story is to stop the antagonist form stealing the app. Okay. What does he specifically do to stop the theft? The logline should describe a clear, visual objective. In addition, it should have a causal relationship with the inciting incident.
For example, to use another comedy movie(since logline is categorized as comedy): In “Finding Nemo“, Marlin’s goal is to find Nemo and bring him home. Why does he set out on this goal?: Nemo is captured. —-> That is the inciting incident, and it has a causal relationship with the goal. So, for your story, try reversing the order. Say what the goal is, and then answer why the protagonist pursues it.
So: Goal: stop a megalomaniac venture capitalist from stealing his latest app. Why does he pursue his goal?: His father died. —-> Does that make sense? How does his father dying directly lead to him trying to prevent the theft of his app?
Antagonist: “megalomaniac venture capitalist ” —-> Okay. Again, I suggest trying to reduce the number of adjectives.
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